Omaha, NE — Meat has become a staple of the American diet. Over 24 billion pounds of beef is consumed every year in the U.S.. The beef industry rakes in over $862 billion dollars annually. But this year numbers are down due to an anomaly: the cows are fighting back.
Cattle in Nebraska have formed a coalition against being bred and slaughtered for food. They call themselves Antifarm and are backed by PETA and funded by the George Soros Foundation, which has recently received a mysterious $18 billion cash infusion.
Antifarm has started protests along Nebraska State Route 92. They have been disrupting traffic and tipped over cattle hauling semi-trucks. One protest near Fremont, Nebraska ended in bloodshed as one of the cows were mistaken for a deer and shot dead by a hunter. The hunter was also killed during the incident as the angered herd stampeded and trampled the man. Four cows were arrested pending an investigation.
Fester, a 4-year-old bull spoke to The Fazzler about Antifarm.
“We deserve rights just like any other animal. The only way to win is by undermining the system.” said Fester. “Our operations have had limited success, mostly due to our lack of hands, but we will not give up the fight until our species is free.”
Ranchers are responding by arming themselves with cattle prods and rifles, and according to a few who wished to remain anonymous, they are preparing for an all-out war.
“We expect this to end in a bloody and quite frankly a tasty confrontation,” said Rancher Kip Evans. ” The cows need to recognize their place in our society. They are just making trouble where there was none before. They don’t need no rights.”
Police are calling on ranchers to build bigger fences so that the cows cannot escape from the fields to go protest. Many police departments do not have the resources to deal with the herds once they block public streets. They are appealing to the federal government for assistance.
The matter has been referred to Homeland Security by the Department of Agriculture. Homeland Security has declared that all herds outside of their fences will be considered illegal aliens and prosecuted as such. Director Elaine Duke has issued a warning to people harboring illegal cows, they risk prosecution by the government if caught.
Police are warning Nebraska citizens to be aware of their surroundings and if they see Antifarm’s trademark, a cow patty (cow shit) with a hoof print in it, to contact them immediately.
