Charles Leads Climate Change Fight By Eating Children

Glasgow, Scotland — After the United Kingdom drew heat for planning to return to London from the COP26 climate summit on a private plane, King Charles seized the opportunity by announcing how his steady diet of children is helping curb his carbon emissions.

Just hours after warning in a speech that time was running out on the “doomsday clock” to save the planet, Charles announced that he had initiated his own “cap and trade” program, which included reducing his climate change footprint.

“After billions of years of evolution, nature is our best teacher,” he said. “In this regard, restoring natural capital, accelerating nature-based solutions, and leveraging the circular bio-economy will be vital to our efforts. And reducing the number of children is key in that effort.”

Charles does more than talk. He is the royal patron or president of more than 400 organizations, including Surfers Against Sewage, Bees for Development, the British Deer Society, and the How to Prepare Children Collective.

“If you think about the impact of climate change, it should be how a doctor would deal with the problem,” continued Charles to a stunned audience. “A scientific hypothesis is tested to absolute destruction, but medicine can’t wait. If a doctor sees a child with a fever, he can’t wait for endless tests. He has to act on what is there and eat them. The risk of delay is so enormous that we can’t wait.”

Although most leaders and COP26 climate summit representatives were shocked by Charles’s comments, Vladimir Putin, who chose not to attend the gathering, was non-plussed by the announcement.

“This is not new news here in Russia,” said the Russian Federation President in a recorded comment. “We’ve been doing this for decades to control our populations. It’s quite effective.”

No word from the Prime Minister on the Prince’s plans.