Redding, CA — Sadness swept across the ‘woo-o-sphere’ late today as news spread that a Chemtrail reduction program accidentally killed the last remaining flying Unicorn. The Redding, CA-based Chemtrail Action Network or CAN has been developing a patented anti-Chemtrail “shield system” for over five years, largely with donations gathered from its website. The system involved a rather large array of cone-shaped gizmos that supposedly redirected sunlight against various geoengineering efforts in the Northern Hemisphere.
Unfortunately, during its first trial run earlier this week, Project FightBack, as it’s called, accidentally injured and eventually killed Earth’s last remaining Unicorn in existence.
“We, like everyone else, are deeply saddened by the death of the unicorn,” said CAN spokesperson Bethany Millbright speaking to the press about the incident. “We’re not sure what went wrong, but I assure you that we took every precaution when testing Project FightBack. And to be perfectly honest, the spraying of our skies without our consent is a far greater concern than a unicorn. Maybe even a thousand unicorns.”
According to nearby Weed, California resident, and self-proclaimed Bigfoot “activist” Reuben Ford, he saw the whole thing.
“Well, I was doing my daily research on the Sasquatch when I heard this boom followed by a blood-curdling squeal,” said Mr. Ford speaking from his office in the Bigfoot Sanctuary office in Weed, CA. “So I’d done run outside, you see and looked up. And I saw this heavenly white creature just a-fallin from the sky. There was a long rainbow trail coming out its ass or something. It was pretty far away, and I’d say so that I could make out all the details. But I know a unicorn when I see one.”
The FAA, who is investigating the incident, said that this was the first Project FightBack test they’d ever heard, and suspect that it may be illegal.
“This is not something we’ve seen before,” said FAA special agent Captain Carl who was assigned to investigate not only Project FightBack but also the death of the mythic creature. “I’m not sure how they managed to pull this off, but there’s a lot of illegal equipment here. Take this,” said Carl pointing to a rather large steel box with a radiation symbol on it, “I think this is plutonium. These people shouldn’t have stuff like this. We need to evacuate the area.”
The unicorn’s body has already been cremated. No additional ceremony is planned.
