Libertyville, TX — A recent “Drag Queen Storytime” event featuring a dramatic reading of the United States Constitution has reportedly thrown Republicans into a state of utter confusion. The event, held at the Fabulous Freedom Library in downtown Libertyville, was initially organized as a protest against recent attempts to ban drag performances but quickly evolved into an educational spectacle that left conservatives questioning everything they thought they knew about American history and basic reading comprehension.
The star of the show, Ms. Liberty Belle, a statuesque drag queen adorned in a glittering red, white, and blue ensemble, complete with a towering powdered wig reminiscent of the Founding Fathers, took to the stage with a leather-bound copy of the Constitution.
“Let’s start with a little something called the First Amendment, darlings,” Belle cooed into the microphone, causing several Republican observers to instinctively reach for their pocket-sized Constitutions, only to realize they had never actually read them.
As Belle dramatically enunciated each word of the treasured document, the conservative section of the audience gasped in shock and awe.
“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,” Belle read, pausing to allow the words to sink in. “That can’t be right,” muttered one befuddled Republican, frantically googling “How to establish Christianity as national religion” on his phone.
The confusion only deepened as Belle sashayed through the amendments, occasionally stopping to explain concepts like “due process” and “equal protection under the law” using interpretive dance and liberal amounts of glitter. By the time she reached the 14th Amendment, several Republicans were seen quietly slipping out of the library, muttering about “fake news Constitutions” and “deep state drag queen conspiracies.”
One particularly vocal conservative, who asked to remain anonymous to avoid being associated with attending a drag show, expressed his dismay.
“I always thought the Constitution was about guns and making sure gay people couldn’t get married. But now I’m hearing all this stuff about ‘liberty’ and ‘justice for all.’ It’s very confusing and, quite frankly, un-American.”
The event reached its climax when Ms. Liberty Belle, in a stunning reveal, removed her powdered wig to expose a bald eagle headpiece, spreading majestic fabric wings as she belted out the Preamble. Several Republicans were reportedly moved to tears, though whether from patriotic fervor or sheer bewilderment remains unclear.
Local Democratic officials, initially wary of the event, found themselves pleasantly surprised. “We never thought we’d see the day when drag queens would be more effective at teaching the Constitution than our public schools,” remarked City Councilwoman Jane Smith, wiping away a tear of joy (or possibly glitter) from her eye.
Republican leadership, meanwhile, scrambled to respond to the unfolding crisis of constitutional literacy among their ranks. An emergency meeting was called to discuss strategies for combating what they termed “the sudden outbreak of understanding basic civil liberties.”
“We’re considering a series of counter-programming events,” announced GOP strategist Tom Filibuster. “Perhaps we could have gun enthusiasts read excerpts from ‘The Art of the Deal’ while rolling coal. That ought to set things straight.”
As news of the event spread, conservative media outlets rushed to denounce the “liberal indoctrination via fabulousness” taking place in America’s libraries. Several Fox News hosts were seen furiously highlighting random passages in their copies of the Constitution, preparing for segments on how drag queens are secretly trying to overthrow the government by actually explaining how it works.
In a final twist of irony, several Republican lawmakers who had previously advocated for mandatory Constitution reading in schools were now calling for a ban on public readings of the document, citing concerns over “its potential to cause critical thinking and respect for civil liberties.”
