Washington, D.C. — In a stunning turn of events that has left political analysts scratching their heads, Hunter Biden, son of President Joe Biden, has announced his withdrawal from a presidential race he was never officially part of. During a hastily arranged press conference in a local D.C. art gallery, the announcement sent shockwaves through the political landscape, particularly among right-wing circles.
“I’m here to announce that I will not be running for President in 2024,” Hunter stated, standing beside a collection of his oil paintings. “This decision comes after much reflection and realizing I’ve never actually started a campaign.”
The non-existent campaign, which had apparently been running full steam ahead in an alternate reality, was characterized by its unique policy platforms, such as “Laptops for Everyone” and “Gas Deals for All.” Political insiders suggest these policies were likely to revolutionize American politics had they ever been articulated or existed.
Several Republican lawmakers have expressed outrage at Hunter’s decision to drop out.
“This is a clear example of the Biden family manipulating American politics,” speaker Johnson noted, seemingly unaware of the non-existence of Hunter’s campaign. “We demand a full investigation into this non-campaign and its non-impact on American democracy.”
The confusion extended to the streets, where dozens of Hunter’s supporters (mostly local artists and confused tourists) gathered, some holding signs that read “Hunter 2024: A Brush with Greatness.” When informed that there was, in fact, no campaign, many expressed a mixture of relief and disappointment. “I was really looking forward to those gas deals,” one supporter lamented.
When asked for comment, Joe Biden struggled to keep a straight face.
“Hunter running for what now?” he chuckled before being whisked away by aides.
Political pundits, who had spent countless hours dissecting Hunter’s potential impact on the 2024 race, were left reeling.
“We’ve been analyzing his non-campaign strategy for months,” one prominent analyst admitted. “Turns out, we might have overestimated his political ambitions just a tad.”
The news also sent shockwaves through international circles, with several foreign leaders reportedly breathing sighs of relief that they wouldn’t have to renegotiate gas deals or attend state dinners discussing Hunter’s art.
Conspiracy theorists have already begun spinning this development into intricate plots.
“This is clearly a cover-up for something bigger,” one theorist posited. “Maybe he’s planning to run for Galactic Overlord. We can’t rule anything out.”
Merchandise from the non-campaign is already becoming a collector’s item, with “Hunter 2024” mugs and t-shirts featuring slogans like “Make Art, Not Policy” being sold online.
As for Hunter Biden, he seemed unfazed by the commotion his non-announcement caused.
“I guess I’ll just stick to painting and staying out of politics,” he said, turning back to his canvas. “At least until my next non-campaign.”
