Washington, D.C. — In a Fox News interview on Thursday night, President Donald J. Trump vehemently denied any casual confession to cannibalism, asserting that he “may have accidentally eaten a Haitian” during the 2024 campaign trail.
“You know, on the trail, they serve you all kinds of things. One time, they gave me something, said it was meatloaf—everyone knows I love meatloaf. Later, they tell me it might’ve been a Haitian. Honest mistake, folks.”
Trump sputtered the line with eyes glassy from patriotic nostalgia, lounging beneath a newly commissioned Oval Office ceiling mural of himself heroically hoisting a ketchup-drenched meatloaf aloft like Simba from The Lion King.
The interview, conducted by Sean Hannity in the re-gilded Oval Office, now featuring a commemorative meatloaf fountain where the Resolute Desk once stood, seemed less like journalism and more like a state-sponsored buffet hallucination. Trump, donning a “Meatloaf Over Migrants” lapel pin reportedly handcrafted by Tiffany’s, delivered the line with the emotional gravity of someone describing a parking ticket.
Hannity, visibly short-circuiting between instinctive genuflection and the faint sense he may have just witnessed a felony, let out a patriotic chuckle and pivoted smoothly to a segment titled “The Dangers of Plant-Based Citizenship.”
And while pundits scrambled to decode whether this was metaphor, confession, or merely the byproduct of extreme cognitive indigestion, the White House leapt into damage control with a press briefing that could only be described as “performance art by way of Stockholm syndrome.”
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, fresh from a two-hour Oval Office meatloaf monologue by Trump, took to the podium with a barely concealed twitch and an armful of laminated charts labeled “The Meatloaf Mandate.”
Reporter (Associated Press):
“Ms. Leavitt, can you confirm reports that ICE has detained several legal permanent residents without due process? There are serious concerns about violations of habeas corpus—”
Leavitt (interrupting):
“Okay, well first of all, let’s talk about what really matters here. Meatloaf. The President loves it. That’s not a scandal—that’s leadership.”
Reporter:
“…That wasn’t—”
Leavitt:
“Do you even know what’s in meatloaf? Breadcrumbs. Ketchup. Freedom. Maybe if more immigrants embraced American cuisine instead of sneaking into sanctuary cities and vegan co-ops, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.”
Reporter (NPR):
“What does meatloaf have to do with federal detentions?”
Leavitt (visibly exasperated):
“Everything. Because when the President eats meatloaf, he’s making a statement. A policy statement. And if that statement happens to include culinary confusion, then frankly, that’s between him and the FDA.”
Leavitt then gestured toward a tri-fold display titled “Operation Homeland Loaf: Feeding the Base, Securing the Nation,” before accusing the press of “weaponizing menus.”
Meanwhile, civil liberties groups have filed multiple lawsuits, ICE remains silent, and the Biden campaign posted a single image on X (formerly Twitter) of a meatloaf with googly eyes captioned “WTF.”
As of press time, Trump’s approval rating among voters who believe the Food Pyramid is Marxist has risen another five points.