Austin, TX — Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the black sheep of America’s most famous political dynasty, has come forward with yet another revelation that will cement his place in the annals of “What the Heck Did He Just Say?”
In a recent interview with the now-triple-barreled podcast TruthVibes, Third-Eye Openers, and the Rogan Files, RFK Jr. made the jaw-dropping claim that during the 1980s, he regularly partook in smoking chemtrails. Yes, you read that correctly. Not content with the mere inhalation of what Bill Clinton might have termed “normal” substances during his college years, RFK Jr. went straight for the high-altitude, aluminum-oxide-infused good stuff.
“I was young, you know, and I was experimenting,” said RFK Jr., his voice reaching that gravelly, almost otherworldly pitch that’s been charming the tinfoil hat crowd for years. “Everyone was doing it back then. Reagan’s deregulation of the airline industry made chemtrails easier to get, and, well, I had a guy.”
Kennedy went on to describe the “totally gnarly” experiences he had while under the influence of what he called “sky mist.” Among the revelations: discovering the location of Bigfoot’s winter home (it’s somewhere near Mar-a-Lago, apparently), communicating telepathically with dolphins (which led to his short-lived bid to become a marine biologist), and, perhaps most shockingly, convincing himself that he could cure Lyme disease by drinking two ounces of apple cider vinegar every morning at sunrise.
“I know people are skeptical,” Kennedy continued, “but I’m telling you, those chemtrails opened my mind, man. It’s like my brain was a worm, and the trails just wriggled through it, you know? It was a revelation. And don’t even get me started on the time I convinced that bear cub I was its mother… I still have the claw marks.”
This latest confession is just one in a series of increasingly bizarre anecdotes from RFK Jr.’s past. Just last month, he claimed to have seen UFOs over Martha’s Vineyard while practicing telekinesis on his antique sailing yacht, and earlier this year, he was caught attempting to register to vote in four different states simultaneously—because, as he explained, “if the Founding Fathers wanted one person, one vote, they wouldn’t have invented cloning.”
His latest comments have left his supporters scrambling to either downplay or explain the admissions.
“Bob’s just… colorful,” said a campaign spokesperson who requested anonymity. “He’s a passionate guy with a lot of ideas, and sometimes those ideas are a little ahead of their time. Or behind. Or sideways. But we stand by him.”
The public reaction has been predictably mixed. Many have expressed concern for RFK Jr.’s mental health, while others have started online forums dedicated to decoding his statements, convinced there are hidden messages about the upcoming 2024 election. (One theory suggests that the chemtrail smoking incident is code for a secret alliance with the Illuminati, but even the people pushing that idea admit it’s “pretty out there.”)
Not one to shy away from controversy, Kennedy ended the interview with a bold prediction:
“The chemtrails are coming back. You’ll see. And when they do, I’ll be ready with my rolling papers and a positive attitude.”
As for his latest endorsement of Donald Trump? Well, it seems that the chemtrail-induced telepathy with dolphins might have had lasting effects on his decision-making. Or, perhaps he’s just aiming to add another chapter to the already head-spinning memoir that America didn’t ask for but somehow keeps getting anyway.
In the meantime, keep your eyes on the skies, folks. RFK Jr. certainly will be—when he’s not too busy trying to outthink his brain worms or fend off an army of wayward bear cubs.
And remember: If you ever find yourself on a plane and notice a mysterious mist outside the window, just know that somewhere, RFK Jr. is probably looking up, smiling, and thinking, “That’s the good stuff.”
