Greenville, SC — A Greenville man on Friday announced to his Facebook followers that he plans on knitting “dickhead hats” for all of his mouthy and incorrigible friends. Recent South Carolina transplant and former California contractor Frank S. Arce, III said he’s “had it with his smart-ass friends and is finally going to do something about it.”
“Look,” said a defiant Mr. Arce (pronounced Ar’-say), “I usually say that I’m so broke I’m just exchanging glances this Christmas, but the wife gave me a new idea this year. I guess she was tired of me ranting about my friends all day. So I opened an Etsy.com account, and I’m gonna knit dickhead hats for all of my smart ass friends. And I’m gonna make them pay for it.”
Mr. Arce is not stranger to controversy. He’s spent over 3 months in Facebook’s “timeout jail” at different times for “violations” of the terms of service. According to Mr. Arce, he’s not one to call his friends ‘dipshits,’ as they already know that. It’s just that he has little patience for the ‘brain-dead’ that haunt the pages of the social media giant. Most of the disagreements stem from his defense of his right to bear arms, which is protected by the Constitution’s 2nd Amendment.
“Yeah, I know, I can be opinionated about stuff,” continued Mr. Arce. “But I get tired of people assuming I’m some crazy mass-shooter just because I collect guns and take them out to the range, you know? So I get in trouble for reminding these morons about how stupid they are. Besides, these asshats aren’t getting the hats anyway. I reserve the word ‘dickhead’ for friends and family. But I suppose I could knit some asshats for the dipshits. ‘Probably make more money off them anyway. My friends are cheap bastards.”
Mr. Arce recently moved from California to South Carolina to escape the Golden’s States “stupidly-high” energy bills, “ridiculously annoying” regulations and of course it was the furthest he could get away from Governor Jerry Brown and still remain in the United States.
“Yeah, I was honestly thinking about something like Bermuda or the Virgin Islands or even Florida,” mused a confident Mr. Arce, “but there are more asshats there than California. I mean, Florida? Anyhow, South Carolina is a good fit.”
As for his hat business, he’s already back-ordered.
“That’s pretty surprising, but I guess there’s a demand for dickhead hats. Who would have thunk it?”
