Palo Alto, CA — A 2-year study by the Palo Alto-based Rundex Family Foundation of over 14,000 potential mass shooters has determined that chronic pornography viewings can reduce the chances of the focus group committing mass murder by as much as 27%. The report, which was released earlier today, suggested that potential mass shooters, as well as terrorists, should be fed a steady viewing diet of 4-6 hours of hard-core pornography every day to see the benefit.
“Well the data doesn’t lie,” said Rundex lead researcher Robert Colvin speaking from his Mountain View, CA home. “After interviewing over 14,000 potentially unstable individuals, half of whom had access to pornography and the other half did not, we saw a dramatic reduction in the urge to pick up a gun and start shooting people. There are probably many reasons for this decrease, but what stood out the most to us was that the subjects were just too tired to do anything about their psychopathic urges.”
The study was conducted in coordination with Rundex, the Centers for Disease Control and the Department of Homeland Security, and was commissioned by former President Obama back in 2013. The effort has come under some scrutiny under the current Congress, which has called for large spending and funding cuts of such “social programs.”
“The American people sent Republicans to Washington to do a job,” said House of Representatives Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI), “and distributing pornography is not one of those jobs. This was clearly another insidious effort by the previous administration to restrict gun owners from owning their own guns. And we’re going to put a stop to it, and stop it.”
Some of the participants of the study disagree with the Speaker’s assessment and call for even greater funding for pornography.
“All I used to think about was mass shootings,” said the former potential mass shooter and stabber 23-year-old Chris Pineman of Colorado Springs, CO, “but now I’m cured. All I want to do is watch porn all day. It’s so much more satisfying than my guns, but I have to tell you, I’m really sore.”
It’s unclear if the Trump administration will embrace the study’s findings.
