Texas Man Hospitalized After “Back Alley” Vasectomy

Midland, TX — A Midland, Texas man is in stable condition at Midland Memorial Hospital after deciding to have a “back-alley” vasectomy in the neighboring town of Odessa. Richard H. Thorndyke of Midland had the ill-advised procedure early this week to show solidarity with women who struggle with access to women’s health services. He is now regretting his hasty decision.

“In Texas, lawmakers have passed all these disingenuous laws that limit a woman’s access to abortion but regular medical services,” said Mr. Thorndyke from his hospital bed. “They know they can’t outright ban abortions, so they introduce excessive regulations like making sure clinic hallways are as wide as hospital ones, which forces clinics to shut down. So I thought, I’ll show my solidarity by getting my nuts chopped off in a freaky alley clinic in Odessa. I was hoping to raise awareness, but I got balls the size of cantaloupes.”

Hospital Officials Are Baffled

According to Hospital officials, Mr. Thorndyke arrived at Midland Memorial Hospital late last evening with a high fever and a massively swollen groin. He could not talk, and emergency room doctors knew what was happening.

“This may sound weird, but this is the 4th time in the past two years we’ve seen this,” said attending physician Dr. Ram Chaudhuri. “There are these men who think this is a good idea. Two past patients were like Mr. Thorndyke and were trying to make a political statement. One had no health insurance and couldn’t afford a vasectomy. All of them ended up here. They have been permanently damaged and are now walking with a significant limp.”

As for Mr. Thorndyke, he now realizes that no matter how well-meaning he was, it wasn’t wise to make his point in this fashion.

“If I had to do it again, I wouldn’t do it this way,” continued Mr. Thorndyke, sounding a bit relieved. “But people need to understand what these mostly male legislators are doing here in Texas and across the country. It’s complete bullshit and cowardly. You’d think these small-government types wouldn’t be that big on creating more government, but they are.”

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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