Coachella, CA — After weeks of confusion over his “enemy within” comments, former President Donald Trump finally cleared the air. And no, it wasn’t China or Russia. It wasn’t even political. According to Trump, the real danger to America is gastrointestinal. Specifically, a bucket of KFC.
In his latest rally speech, Trump set the record straight.
“People keep asking, ‘What’s the enemy within? Is it the radical left? Is it Russia?'” he said, standing next to a giant red-and-white KFC bucket, because of course he was. “No, folks, it’s something sneakier. Something that’s harder to get rid of.” He paused dramatically, then pointed to the bucket. “It’s that KFC Family Bucket. And sometimes, it’s what happens after the bucket, if you know what I mean. The silent killer, folks. The silent killer.”
The crowd loved it. They broke into chants of “Extra Crispy!” Some waved Pepto-Bismol bottles in the air like they were at a weird, gastro-themed protest. And why not? Nothing says “political rally” like indigestion.
But while the audience was having a good laugh, the rumor mill was in full spin mode. Lately, there have been whispers (or, more accurately, toots) that Trump’s speeches haven’t been just fiery—they’ve been a little gassy, too. Several rally-goers claimed they’d heard some odd noises during his speeches. Noises that weren’t coming from the sound system.
“I was in the front row in Des Moines,” said Karen Higgins, a die-hard Trump supporter. “I heard something. I thought it was part of his speech. You know, like a sound effect. But nope. It was him. For sure.”
Trump didn’t miss a beat.
“Look, folks,” he said, embracing the moment. “When you’re 78, and you’ve had your share of KFC, things happen. That’s just life. Sometimes, the enemy within isn’t just the calories. Sometimes, it’s the gas!” The crowd, of course, went wild.
Political analysts immediately jumped on the moment. Because if there’s one thing political analysts love, it’s over-analyzing.
“There’s a metaphor here,” said Dr. Wendy Jacobs, a political science professor at Georgetown. “Trump is reminding Americans that the real threats aren’t always external. Sometimes, they’re the things we let build up inside.” She paused. “I’m not sure anyone expected him to take it this literally.”
Not everyone was so amused. President Biden’s campaign quickly issued a statement, calling for “less hot air and more solutions.” (No word on whether that statement was intended to be ironic.) Meanwhile, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis couldn’t resist a jab. He told a local news station that Trump’s diet “is doing more harm than good.” DeSantis’ team then handed out fiber bars at his next rally because, apparently, political campaigns have become one big passive-aggressive snack war.
Naturally, the internet had a field day. Within minutes, #FartyDon was trending on social media. Memes flooded the timelines—everything from “Making America Fart Again” to “KFC: It’s a Gas!” The late-night comedians didn’t hold back either. Jimmy Kimmel joked that Trump’s speeches are now “full of wind and sound.”
But, as always, Trump’s base was unfazed.
“I don’t care if he farts on stage every day for the rest of his life,” said one supporter in Texas. “That’s a man who’s comfortable in his own skin. Or maybe just not in his digestive system.”
With the campaign trail heating up—literally—Trump’s candid admission about the dangers of fast food and the occasional “enemy within” has certainly left a lasting impression. But whether he can overcome his opponents and dietary decisions remains to be seen.
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