Guantanamo Bay, Cuba — I’ve stumbled upon a scene of unbridled lunacy, my friends. A long-time prisoner at this godforsaken prison, one Moshe Bin-Salman, has finally cracked under the pressure and given up the goods on the Taliban – in exchange for a single, flame-grilled, beef patty with cheese and all the fixings.
The players in this twisted game of bargaining chips are the prison guard, a Sgt. Juan Hernandez-Khan, and the interrogator, a Specialist Maria Rodriguez-Zarqawi. These two sadistic fiends offered Moshe a choice between a KFC Double Down and a Burger King Whopper. And, as if in a dream, Moshe chose the Whopper.
“We were stunned,” says Sgt. Hernandez-Khan, “We thought for sure he’d go for the KFC, but the Whopper just seemed to have a certain allure that even the Taliban can’t resist.”
The information Moshe gave up could shake the foundations of the Taliban’s operations. But, as to its veracity, who can say? This is the world of Guantanamo Bay, where truth is a commodity to be bought and sold like a bag of weed in Tijuana.
The CEO of Burger King, an unbelievably named Hank Wurst-Bratwurst-Sauerbraten-Rindfleisch, issued a statement saying, “We are proud to be part of this historic moment in the war on terror.” Proud, indeed. The man must be high as a kite on the sheer absurdity of it all.
And Moshe? Well, last I saw him, he was grinning ear-to-ear, chowing down on his precious Whopper. When asked for comment, he simply said, “It was worth it.”
Well, there you have it folks. The world has officially gone mad and I, for one, am grabbing the tequila bottle and heading for the hills. Until next time, this is Fink, signing off from Guantanamo Bay for now.
