Home Depot Promises to Sponsor 129 Miles of Border Wall if Trump is Re-elected

Atlanta, GA — The world’s largest home improvement retailer announced today that it plans on sponsoring up to 129 miles of President Trump’s border wall if he is re-elected in 2024. Home Depot, known for its labyrinth-like shopping experience and employees who avoid eye contact, says sponsoring sections of the wall is a “perfect government/corporate fit.”

“We are proud to participate with President Trump’s emergency declaration,” said Home Depot spokesperson Bethany Millbright. “This country has given so much to Home Depot, and this is a way we can pay it back.”

By sponsoring large sections of the wall, the home improvement giant hopes it can help offset the costs to the Federal government. And it’s also a “branding” opportunity for the chain.

“Of course, we’ll be supplying much of the supplies for the wall, and our logo will be featured prominently,” continued Millbright. “We also plan on including instructions on how to build a replica of the wall around your house to keep your neighbor’s prying eyes out. You can download the plans from our website or our mobile app.”

Former Home Depot CEO Bernie Marcus is a staunch supporter of President Trump. In an essay called “Why I Stand With Donald Trump,” Mr. Marcus stated that “[a]s a backer of former Republican presidential candidates, I now stand in support of Donald J. Trump because the fate of this nation depends upon sending him, and not the Democrats to the White House.”

It was unclear until today how much pull the former chief executive had on the current company.

The Home Depot Way

What makes Home Depot’s announcement novel is not that they’re funding sections of the wall but rather how they will do it.

“We plan on using our retail centers and suppliers for the project,” said regional director of operations Dalton H. Jesser. “We’ll use the materials in several stores near the border and our fleet of delivery vehicles to make this happen. It’s a top priority. And it will happen fast as we’re going to use miles of pre-fabricated pine and cedar fencing.”

Critics of Home Depot’s plan call the company’s efforts hypocritical as it has benefited from illegal labor frequently hired just outside their retail centers. Many are suspicious that Home Depot would be willing to limit cross-border traffic if it impacts the ability of its core customers to hire cheap, undocumented day laborers.

In a related move, international food conglomerate Chiquita started a sponsorship drive to fund over 60 miles of the wall. At the same time, Tucker Carlson was only willing to fund 5.2 inches of the wall. Trump is said to have put up enough of his own money for 3 inches of the wall, but critics argue that it may endanger the habitat of a rare mushroom.

Home Depot says it plans on letting the public help in its wall-building efforts. However, it would be on a volunteer basis for “patriotic” Americans.

Michael Stephen
Michael Stephen
Michael has been through pretty much everything, and his sole aspiration is to get you through it more quickly and with less pain.

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