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JD Vance Connects with West Virginians By Wearing a Fentanyl Patch During Speech
During a speech in Huntington, WV, Senator JD Vance attempted to connect with locals by wearing a fentanyl patch to demonstrate empathy for the opioid crisis. The stunt backfired when Vance nodded off mid-sentence, leaving the audience bewildered. While some appreciated his commitment, others questioned his approach, wondering if he was addressing the problem or becoming part of it.
Alternative
Journey’s ‘Wheel in the Sky’ Reborn as Trump Rally Hymn
As news of the rewritten anthem spread, reactions were swift and varied. Journey fans, who have been riding the emotional rollercoaster of the band’s internal drama, were quick to express their outrage.
Living
Kamala Harris Announces Labradoodle Tax to Offset Service Workers Tip-Free Income
In a packed rally, Kamala Harris announced a new tax on Labradoodles to offset the tip tax cut for service workers. The crowd enthusiastically supported the tax, annoyed by Labradoodles and their owners' perceived elitism. Trump responded with a bizarre and barely coherent rant on Truth Social. While many support the tax, some Labradoodle owners are outraged, feeling unfairly targeted.
Living
NYC Mayor Threatens to House Migrants in Trump Tower—Again
Sanctuary Cities across the United States are threatening to house Central American asylum seekers in Trump-owned properties.
Alternative
NASA Confirms Discovery of Parallel Universe Where People Still Care About MySpace
NASA, in collaboration with the Rundex Family Foundation, has discovered a parallel universe where MySpace remains the dominant social media platform. Chief Data Scientist Robert Colvin leads the investigation into this alternate reality, where users cherish MySpace's authenticity over algorithm-driven feeds. The discovery offers a glimpse into what our world might have been if MySpace had never faded.
Editorial
CNN Lightens 24-Hour Coverage of Civil Unrest with Footage of a Plane Crash
CNN, in a stroke of genius, has eased the emotional toll of nonstop civil unrest coverage by sprinkling in some good old-fashioned plane crashes. Viewers, who were teetering on the brink of despair, are now refreshed, grateful for the reminder that no matter how bad things get, at least they're not plummeting from the sky.
Food
Cracker Barrel’s New ‘All Lives Barrel’ Name Change Draws Fire
Facing pressure from its conservative base, the famous country store and restaurant is changing its name.
Alternative
Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane and Promises to Stop the Geoengineering Program
Former President Donald Trump inspected a chemtrail-equipped Boeing 767 at Andrews Air Force Base, vowing to dismantle the controversial program. Joined by Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, Trump aims to redirect funds to infrastructure and his border wall. The plan faces significant hurdles, including Congressional approval and Senate resistance, but anti-chemtrail activists are cautiously optimistic.
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