Articles by
Roy Riffle
Our youngest columnist, Roy Riffle gained fortune, though not necessarily fame, when at 9 years old he coined the phrase "Obey Your Thirst". Some of his smugness stems from "having read the bible and understanding the metaphors." Roy is currently the only Millennial on Gish Gallop payroll. And hopefully the last.
Living
Mattel Reveals Controversial Gender-Neutral Barbie
Critics are calling the new toy a craven attempt to capitalize on changing social norms.
Local News
Fleshlight Goes Unclaimed at Area Lost and Found
According to an area supermarket manager, no one has come forward to claim an abandoned Fleshlight which was found in the produce section last week. The popular adult toy was discovered by an employee last week on the floor near the organic lettuces.
Local News
Jehovah’s Witnesses Cited For Attacking Christmas Decorations
A group of Jehovah's Witnesses were cited early this week for removing Christmas decorations in a Cedar Ridge neighborhood. The group, not normally known for such aggressive, anti-holiday activity, spent several hours in the early Monday morning removing decorations in the Summerset Drive neighborhood and replacing them with eraser-less, #2 "Birthday Jesus" pencils.
Food
Lottery Winner Loses It All At Whole Foods
A Lafayette, CA man and his wife lost their entire Powerball winnings in one Whole Foods Market trip.
Art
Adam Sandler Makes Comeback in a New Paramount Pictures Release
Paramount Pictures is betting on Adam Sandler in their upcoming film The Pizza Delivery Guy.
Living
Apple To Replace Siri With Jeff Goldblum
According to engineering in Cupertino, CA company, they're abandoning the entire Siri framework and replacing it with a facsimile of Jeff Goldblum who famously led Apple's comeback marketing campaign in the late 1990s.
Satire
Suspicious Rice Cooker Left Outside of Salvation Army
The Police were dispatched to attend to a suspicious appliance outside of the Grass Valley Salvation Army.
Living
Area Man Maintains Erection With Bee Stings
A Salem, Oregon man believes he can treat erectile dysfunction with bee stings.
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