Poll: 9 out of 10 Trump Assassins Say They’d Still Vote for Him

Palm Beach, FL —  A new poll conducted by the Rundex Family Foundation in partnership with ABC News and the Broadstreet Beacon reveals that nine out of 10 individuals who have either attempted or successfully carried out assassination attempts against former President Donald J. Trump would still cast their vote for him. Despite the implausibility of such a statistic, Rundex’s Chief Data Scientist, Robert Colvin, stands firmly by the numbers.

“The data doesn’t lie,” Colvin stated calmly from his Mountain View, CA, home office.

Colvin, a stoic presence known for his meticulous data analysis, appeared as unfazed by these findings as by any others he’s encountered.

“It’s rare to see this kind of voter loyalty, particularly from people who have actively tried to kill the candidate,” he remarked dryly, his tone more fitting for a discussion of cross-tabulations than a political quirk of this magnitude.

Trump’s Reaction: A Love for Assassins

During a press conference at Mar-a-Lago, Trump addressed the poll with characteristic bravado.

“I love my assassins. I really do. They’re great people. Some say the best people. Even when they’re aiming a gun at me, they know who’s going to make America great again!” Trump, never one to miss a moment of bragging, added, “Kamala? Her assassins won’t even vote for her. Total disaster.”

That Trump could spin even attempted assassinations into a moment of political triumph speaks to his remarkable ability to weaponize loyalty—or, in this case, the threat of weaponry. His comment about his supporters perhaps being composed entirely of would-be assassins drew both gasps and cheers: “Maybe all my supporters want to shoot me! And I’d still win in a landslide. That’s what loyalty looks like, folks.”

Interviews with Assassins

ABC News reached out to two participants in the Rundex poll for their thoughts.

Assassin #1, who attempted to shoot Trump at a rally, was reflective. “Look, I shot him. But who else is going to fix the economy? It’s not personal. I didn’t agree with his stance on tariffs at the time. But I’d still vote for him. He’s our best option.”

Assassin #2 echoed the sentiment, though somewhat more conflicted. “Sure, I tried to take him out, but Kamala’s got those walkie-talkie earrings. I just can’t trust that. Trump’s a survivor, just like me. I’d vote for him again—if only because, well, he survived me.”

Robert Colvin: Data with a Straight Face

Robert Colvin, often compared to Nate Silver for his West Coast objectivity, didn’t flinch in his analysis of the data.

“We applied rigorous methodologies—standard deviations, cross-referencing historical voter loyalty under extreme circumstances. The assassin demographic shows a surprisingly robust commitment to Trump.”

When asked if he was surprised by the loyalty of Trump’s would-be killers, Colvin was as level-headed as ever.

“Trump’s comment about shooting someone on 5th Avenue set the bar for testing loyalty. The real question wasn’t whether his base would stick with him, but how far that loyalty would stretch. I think we found out.”

Colvin offered his signature phrase with a nonchalant shrug: “The data doesn’t lie.”

Kamala Harris and Assassin Loyalty

The Rundex Foundation attempted to compare Trump’s assassin loyalty with Kamala Harris’s would-be assassins, but the results were less favorable for the Vice President. Colvin, always the neutral observer, explained, “The data shows that potential Harris assassins aren’t even bothering to vote for her. They’re more likely to write in Kanye.”

Trump pounced on the finding.

“Kamala can’t even get her own assassins to vote for her. What does that tell you? Weak. I’d never have that problem.”

As the poll results made their rounds, speculation grew within Trump’s camp about a new rallying slogan. The proposed slogan, “Vote Trump—Even If You Shoot Me!”, would appear to reflect the extreme devotion Trump has inspired, no matter how farcical it may seem.

In his closing remarks, Trump once again blended bravado with an unsettling self-awareness.

“Assassins, patriots, they’re kind of the same thing, right? They just want what’s best for this country. If they’re shooting at me? Well, that just means I’m doing something right.”

The Rundex Family Foundation will release its full report next week, along with a special follow-up study titled “Assassins for America: Voting With a Bang, Not a Whimper.” As Robert Colvin would say: “The data doesn’t lie.”