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Sacramento, CA — California energy officials have made a startling announcement that the State plans to use Federal Energy Department funds to build as many as eight new coal-fired power plants over the next four years. The news has shocked everyone, from environmentalists to critics of the Golden State, who has seen California as the leader in clean, renewable energy sources.

“It’s time that California wakes up and smells the coal dust,” said excruciatingly handsome California State Senator Dick Long (R-Huntington Beach). “There’s a new sheriff in town, and his name is Donald Trump. It’s time California gets on the coal bandwagon before other states like Kentucky and West Virginia snatch this opportunity from us. And besides, the exhaust blows west out of California.”

According to a leaked memo from the Governor’s office, the power plants will be built in eastern California near water sources. And due to their proximity to the border of Nevada and the prevailing westerly winds, almost 96% of the sulfur dioxide and coal dust pollution will never contaminate the State but rather drift over Nevada, Utah, and even parts of Colorado.

“That’s the beauty of all this,” continued Senator Long, fixing his near-perfect hair. “And I’m not sure why we didn’t think of this earlier. We don’t have to worry about the fallout of pollution and sulfuric acid rain. It’s not going to be our problem. And plus, electricity rates will fall as supply increases. This is an incredible win for California.”

Environmental groups led by the Sierra Club published a joint condemnation of the plan and called on Governor Gavin Newsom to do everything in his power to stop what they called “the single biggest threat to the environment in over 50 years.”

As for Senator Long, he’s optimistic.

“Look,” said Senator Long cocking his dashing head to the right, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Do you know the old saying? ‘As California goes, so does the United States? Well, this is going to be one of those things.”

Governor Newsom’s office declined to comment on the new power plants.

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Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.