Local Militia Attempts to Reopen Denny’s

This past weekend, Newcastle, CA — A local militia took matters into their own hands when they stormed the Newcastle Denny’s and attempted to re-open the diner. The Placer County Minutemen (PCM), headquartered in the remote town of Iowa Hill, CA, said they’ve been planning “for weeks” to make a statement about “government tyranny.”

“Locking healthy people up is tyranny,” said well-armed PCM leader Gary Craft, “Our goal is to unite. We are one people. Free people. A people who want their Grand Slams back,” referring to Denny’s iconic monster breakfast offering.

At approximately 8:43 AM on Saturday, a group of 14 PCM “patriots” stormed the entrance of the Newcastle Denny’s with the aim of “opening it up for liberty,” according to Mr. Craft. But problems began before the Minutemen even entered the restaurant.

“No one wanted to damage the property, so we just stood outside the doors for a few minutes trying to figure out what to do. Finally, one of our guys said he knew how to pick a lock, so he started doing that.”

However, due to the nature of industrial locks, the PCM failed to gain entry to Denny’s. It was at this point that Mr. Craft had an idea.

“‘We’ll just crawl in from the vents on the roof,'” Gary recalled. “And everyone seemed to think that would work. And it did. Well, not at first.”

Carl ‘crank me’ Fredrickson volunteered to make his way down the stove exhaust. But there was one problem, he was a little too large to fit down the shaft and became stuck about 10 feet down the shaft and had to be extracted by 10 of the Minutemen.

“Yeah, we didn’t think that through all the way. Carl is enthusiastic about everything, so we let that get the best of us. The funny thing is, we were about to break the front door down when Jay found that the back door was unlocked. So we just went in that way.”

But the troubles didn’t stop there for this ragtag group of patriots. Upon gaining entry to the kitchen, they realized that none had any kitchen or serving experience.

“Again, we should have planned better,” continued Mr. Craft. “But this crew lives on drive-thru and Lean Cuisines. I don’t know why Carl eats those damn things. They’re not doing anything for his girlish physique. I suppose eating four of them at once doesn’t help.”

After about half an hour, the Minutemen managed to turn on one fryer and get the flattop stove turned on. They also turned on all the lights, including the iconic Denny’s sign that towered over Interstate 80. And then the Sheriff showed up.

“Yeah, we weren’t expecting any trouble from the Sheriff, but we sure got a load of it. I told the boys not to resist, but Carl being Carl, freaked a bit and tried to escape out the back door. He made it down the street to the Mobil before the deputies tackled him. Not a good situation at all.”

According to the Sheriff’s report, 14 men were booked into the Placer County Jail without bond and charged with burglary, breaking into a business establishment, and attempting to cook without a license. Carl Fredrickson was also charged with avoiding arrest and lewd conduct after taking off his pants during the pursuit.

No court date has been set.

Roy Riffle
Roy Rifflehttps://www.facebook.com/roy.riffle.5
Our youngest columnist, Roy Riffle gained fortune, though not necessarily fame, when at 9 years old he coined the phrase "Obey Your Thirst". Some of his smugness stems from "having read the bible and understanding the metaphors." Roy is currently the only Millennial on Gish Gallop payroll. And hopefully the last.

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