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Sierra City, CA — The Sierra City-based publication The Fazzler suddenly shuttered its doors after reporting on a school shooting scheduled to happen next week. The publication, a mainstay of local, national, and international news, only offered a brief statement saying, “we’re canceled.”

The Fazzler reported that the school shooting, around 1:53 pm next week in Florence, South Carolina, was perpetrated by 21-year-old Mason Surham, who off-duty police officer Blaine Hams will stop. Several were injured, including staff and four teenagers, but all are expected to survive the shooting as soon as it happens.

“I was just doing my duty,” said officer Hams speaking of his future deadly engagement with Surham. “I was doing what any person who wears a badge would do. I was across the street when I heard gunshots ring out. And I ran towards them, drew my service revolver, and neutralized the suspect. I mean, in the future, of course.”

According to his mother, from all accounts from relatives, Mason Surham has happy as a future unemployed pipefitter and “earning good money,” according to his mother.

“He was doing great. But he had his eyes on the future,” said Carol Surham speaking with The Fazzler following the future tragedy. “But he certainly was restless too. He was planning on quitting his job and learning how to program in Python to ‘fight the upcoming war with machines,’ he once told me. I just thought that was just nonsense talk. What do snakes have anything to do with machines?”

For its part, The Fazzler responded as it has done regarding past and future events.

“It seemed logical as the world’s prominent reporting source in Sierra City to try to get out ahead of the stories,” said The Fazzler publisher Dwayne Gish. “We did that here and probably made many people think about their lives in the hours or minutes before they lost them. Just be lucky we’re not reporting a huge comet hitting the Earth or some climate catastrophe.”