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Houston, TX — The Houston-based Waste Management corporation announced a plan to offer curbside dead body pickup service to offset what critics say would be a direct result “TrumpCare,” which will overwhelm present mortuary services. Weekly pickup will be available at a reduced rate but special same-day retrieval will cost more for individuals not comfortable with the smell of death lingering in their home. Body bags are available on their website, but they will accept bodies properly bagged and duct-taped to ensure minimal leakage of fluids.

As the most significant environmental solutions provider in North America, they have the power to revolutionize the business model for cleaning up neighborhoods of excess dead bodies. Many have expressed concerns this will impact the small mortuary businesses, so we talked to our local mortuary, Hooper, and Weaver to document their opinion on the subject. The owner didn’t want to talk to us, but we were able to speak to Gus, the embalming guy.

“With millions of Americans about to lose health coverage, I think there will be plenty of dead bodies for everyone,” Gus told us while he searched for a vein on an elderly man’s bloated corpse.

“Not everyone has the money for fancy funerals, some families just need their dead relatives out of the house in a timely fashion, and I think Waste Management has the resources to make that happen,” he elaborated while we admired the various tubes and contraptions involved in the embalming process.

Recently Trump raised the possibility of letting ObamaCare fail and then putting together a health care plan.

“As I have always said, let ObamaCare fail and then come together and do a great health care plan. Stay tuned!” Trump tweeted.

This shows the Trump administration’s commitment to ensuring pre-existing conditions are not covered, thus saving money for insurance companies around the country.  It is suspected he is most concerned about the name change from “ObamaCare” to “TrumpCare” as it is apparent he likes to name things after himself, such as the Trump Tower and Trump Airlines.

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Larry Ryder
Larry Ryder grew up in the upstate town of Saratoga Springs, New York. As a young boy he enjoyed licking the cream cheese off of bagels and throwing the remains at tourists. His father worked at the Naval Nuclear Base close by in Balston Spa. He snuck young Larry onto the base one day so Larry could press his face up to the viewing window for the reactor. This ignited Larry's interest in Nuclear Physics and after taking apart old smoke detectors to build a decay reactor he received a full scholarship to MIT where he received his Masters Degree in Nuclear Physics. Devoted to his job and wife Darleen, his world was shattered when she died after being folded up in a IKEA futon while taking a short nap induced by a large dose of mashed potatoes and meatballs. Completely devasted he quit his high paying job at 3 Mile Island shortly before the meltdown. All of his savings went into the purchase of an ice cream truck and customizations by a Los Angeles low rider shop. He can be now seen cruising the back streets of North San Juan selling his patented "Hempsicles" and nitrogen cooled "Trippin Dots". His reporting career started one fateful day when he started talking to fish down at the Middle Fork of the Yuba River. The fish promised him riches and maybe some friends if he started reporting the truth as he saw it. Larry and the fish ended up taking a trip upstream where they took turns riding down the Falls. Larry was most amused with the fish and decided to start his career as a freestyle reporter. Larry enjoys long walks in the Diggins and walking his imaginary dog, Freedo. He is currently single but still emotionally tender from his wife's death.