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Oceanside, CA — Tragedy struck earlier this week when a man took his own life in a local bar. Oceanside, California’s Fremont Bar and Grill were having its Saturday karaoke with a usual mix of locals and Japanese tourists. Details are slim, but the local man killed himself  by stringing a rope to the bar’s rafters as a Japanese sang the popular 1980s Madonna hit “Holiday.”

Witnesses describe the man as losing his mind after hearing 6 Madonna songs in a row being sung by the various tourists from Tokyo visiting the sun-swept town on California’s coast. They say the man first attempted grabbed a straw and shoved it through his nose. However, that failed. After several other suicide missteps, including banging his iPhone repeatedly into his head, he finally succeeded by hanging himself from the bar’s 130-year-old rafters.

Witness Naomi Willis spoke to The Fazzler about the suicide.

“He just couldn’t deal, he kept downing shots every time one of the tourists went up to sing,” said Naomi. “After the 6th song, he just screamed and shoved the straw up his nose. But then he didn’t stop, and neither did the Japanese tourists. when he finally hung himself,  I thought it was part of the show.”

The Victim

The victim, 36-year-old Tim Savini of Oceanside, was described by his friends as being kind of temperamental.

“He once threw a half-chewed cashew at me for singing the Nationwide Insurance jingle,” said Ren Hoek, a friend of Savini’s.

Bartender Kim Slone, who is also a progressive activist, is now pushing for California to regulate straws small and toothpicks enough to fit inside a nostril. She has begun contacting local state officials and is pushing the media to get involved.

“If just one person can be saved by larger straws, then this will be worth it,” said Slone. “Not sure what to do about the ropes. But baby steps. I mean, how can I be held responsible for my rafters? Fremont’s is a California designated historical site. Those rafters have always been there. We already have a ‘please don’t hang yourself here’ sign over the bar. I’ve already removed all the straws.”

It is unknown if the Japanese tourist will be charged with inciting suicide.

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Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.