Bakersfield, CA — The Automobile Association of America and Alcoholics Anonymous have merged to form what analysts describe as the world’s first quintuple-A organization. The new company will be called AAAAA (pronounced: ahhhhhhhhh!) and hopes to complete the merger by early next year.
The terms of the amalgamation are unclear, but each party claims that it acquired the other.
“Of course, they’d say. But, you know, that AAA bought us and not the other way around,” said AA spokesperson Jeremy Millbright. “The fact of the matter was we were in active merger talks with the American Association of Accounting Apprentices, the Aircraft Ambulance Architects of Akron, and Acupunctionists Administrators of America. The Bear and Advark Association of Alaska was out after the first round because they wanted to be listed before us in the acronym. Imagine the nerve of that.”
AAA issued a statement denying AA’s claims but declined to explain its position on the matter. However, company spokesman Kendall Jackson said both companies had “significant synergies following AAA’s acquisition of Alcoholics Anonymous” and “a bright future in insurance and travel planning services and the alcoholic meeting business.”
Although Wall Street approved of the merger, jumping both stocks by over 96 proof, some analysts close to this emerging market question the timing of the merger and its long-term viability and business sense.
“Other than the name change, this all-cash deal doesn’t make sense. Other than having a guaranteed location for weekly AA meetings now, it’s unclear where the profit is in this model. Easy access to automobile registration for recovering alcoholics? Insurance cross-selling into AA meetings? None of this seems sustainable.”
