County Citizens Preparing for Zika, Ebola, MERS, Tuberculosis, Scabies and Zombie Outbreaks

This picture of the Ebola virus can not harm you from your computer screen, we think.
This picture of the Ebola virus can not harm you from your computer screen, we think.

Nevada County, CA — Given the recent news of deadly viral outbreaks around the globe, coupled with the current immigration crisis at the Nation’s borders, many Nevada County citizens are bracing themselves for an onslaught of deadly diseases followed naturally by the Zombification of the entire population.

“I’m scared to death that I’m gonna get Ebola from Africa and Zika from Brazil,” said concerned Nevada City citizen Allison Bedford. “I mean, just look at the news. It’s coming to America. I hear Georgia’s already fallen and Dallas is soon behind it.”

With regards to the Ebola outbreak in Western Africa, health officials are quite clear that if one hasn’t had direct contact with an infected person, then there is no need to worry. With regards to MERS, these outbreaks are limited, contained and managed. Strains of antibiotic-resistant Tuberculosis are on the rise, but are being carefully monitored by officials. Scabies, however, is terrifying.

“There are no such things as Zombies,” said anyone who’s graduated from the 8th grade. “They don’t exist and never will.”

The Fazzler asked several citizens for their comments on the pending Nevada County viral and bacterial outbreaks.

“Just keep your hands washed,” commented one Facebook contributor. “Keep fit and drink lots of filtered water and vote Republican.”

“I’ve had dreams about Tuberculosis. Nightmares really,” commented another Facebook contributor. “It starts in the south, and creeps up to Nevada County. It’s like a Tuberculosis-Ebola Zombie invasion.”

There is no reason to check back for updates on this story. Stop reading the news. Go outside and have an ice cream cone.

Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Randall 'fink' Finkelsteinhttps://www.broadstreetbeacon.com
Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue and seldom loses. Mostly because he’s well informed. And somewhat gassy.

More from author

Related posts

Advertisment

Latest posts

Sotheby’s To Auction Off Original Prototype of MyPillow

Sotheby’s stuns with a once-in-a-lifetime auction, offering the original MyPillow prototype—purportedly stuffed with the essence of the American dream—set to redefine luxury sleep and history, one overpriced, patriotically infused bid at a time.

McDonald’s Bids Farewell to Epstein Island’s Last Golden Arches Amid Controversial Legacy

The McDonald’s on Epstein Island has shuttered its windows for good, marking the end of what the company now refers to as a "misguided adventure in international franchising." The closure comes amidst a whirlwind of controversy and a belated corporate acknowledgment that some locations, no matter how potentially profitable, are better left un-McTouched.

Bombshell Uncovered: Hunter S. Thompson’s Lost ‘Dr. Strangelove’ Audition

A recently unearthed photograph has revealed the unimaginable: Hunter S. Thompson, king of gonzo journalism, once commandeered the captain’s seat of a B-52, not in the throes of a drug-fueled fantasy, but as a contender for the iconic role in Kubrick’s 'Dr. Strangelove.' The discovery challenges everything we thought we knew about the man who lived on the edge of American sanity.