Dead Body Found in Cemetery

Grass Valley, CA — Several self-described “ghost hunters” made a starling claim over the weekend. Mandy Grove of Nevada City and Zack Willis of Grass Valley said they believe that they’ve found several dead bodies at the Elm Ridge Cemetery located on Kidder Ave in Grass Valley.

According to Ms. Grove and Mr. Willis, they’ve been semi-professional ghost hunters for the better part of seven years, having visited a variety of haunted hotels, hospitals and gymnasiums. However this was their first trip to a cemetery. And like most “professionals” in this line of work, they have a rather large array of ghost-detecting equipment at their disposal.

“You have to be scientific about all this stuff. So we had all our equipment out,” said Mr. Willis commenting on their encounter. “We had our SB7 Spirit box, the SB6 was crap, but this one works so much better. We also had our Kinext SLS Camera, the ParaForce Ghost box, in case the SB7 craps-out and our CellSensor EMF [Electromagnetic Field] Meter, which I also use for Scientology auditing in my spare time.”

According to a police report filed by the pair, they illegally entered the old, gold rush era cemetery after midnight and immediately began to take readings.

“The SB7 was off-the-charts with dead people activity,” said a mood-elevated Mr. Willis. “I mean, that’s when I leaned over to Mandy and told her that we might have hit a gold mine of activity. She was nervous and excited at the same time, but that’s when it got really weird. I mean, what the hell was in this place anyway?”

It was at this point that Ms. Grove realized they were surrounded by dead people, and immediately called 911.

“I was truly terrified,” said a still shaken Ms. Grove. “We were surrounded by dead bodies. I started to run out, but I noticed that Zach wasn’t with me. I ran back and found him huddled in a ball crying like a baby. So I picked him up and carried him out. He later told me it was like that Vietnam scene from Forrest Gump.”

The Grass Valley Police Department arrived and fined both for trespassing. The owners of the cemetery said they will not press charges.

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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