FDA/USDA to Announce New Carbohydrate Food Labeling

FDA/USDA to Announce New Carbohydrate Food Labeling
FDA/USDA to Announce New Carbohydrate Food Labeling

Washington, DC — The United States Department of Agriculture is abandoning its current metric food labeling system and replacing it with a new measurement system most Americans seem to understand: a 12 oz Coca-Cola can.

“Come to find out, most Americans don’t know what a gram of anything is, ” said Stuart Arbuckle in a joint FDA and USDA press conference early Monday Morning. “And Americans are eating too much sugar; some 3-4X more than the recommended USDA intake, which to be honest is already 2-3X higher than it should be due to the influence of the sugar industry in government.”

The Fazzler set out to get local reaction to this latest government change in nutritional labeling. Reaction on the streets of Grass Valley were mixed.

“I am certainly glad the government is finally getting the hint that they need to tune into the will of the people,” said Brian Pedersen outside of Tess’ Kitchen store on Mill Street. “They gotta stop ‘getting ahead’ of us, if you know what I mean.” [note: The Fazzler had no idea what he meant.]

Others were clearly disappointed.

“America is one of the last places that doesn’t participate in the metric system,” commented Beth Feingold walking on Main Street. “And this kind of stuff just shows that we have no idea what we’re eating. I mean, if you’re not smart enough to know what 43 grams of sugar is, how are you gonna know what a Coke can means as a new measurement?”

Outside of Grass Valley, experts had a different take on this development.

“What do you expect when you have the government subsidizing agribusiness, especially in the carbohydrate industries like corn and rice?” Questioned Yale University economics Professor James Badwater. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Coca-Cola lobbied for this change inside the government. Maybe they should include the list of government officials on the label who receive campaign contributions from agri-industries? You know, like representatives who cut USDA aid to needy families but keep subsidies for their rice farm?”

The Fazzler has learned that the USDA plans to replace sodium measurements with large orders of McDonald’s French Fries starting in January after heavy lobbying from the Fast Food Giant.

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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