Vallejo, CA — Jesus Christ, the Son of God, has shocked the world with his latest attack on a Six Flags theme park in Vallejo, California. The 100-meter-tall savior descended upon the park and began his assault on the unsuspecting riders on one of the park’s most popular roller coasters, the Thunderbolt. This is the second time Jesus has attacked a rollercoaster at a theme park in two weeks.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes; Jesus was destroying the roller coaster right in front of me!” said Lisa Burpee, a park-goer who witnessed the attack. “I paid good money for that ride, and he just ruined it!”
Another rider, Michael Rodriguez, expressed a similar sentiment, “Jesus just came out of nowhere and started attacking the roller coaster. I mean, I know he’s supposed to be all loving and forgiving, but this is just ridiculous.”
The roller coaster named the “Thunderbolt,” was completely destroyed in the attack, and park officials are still assessing the damage. Michael Thompson, a spokesman for Six Flags, issued a statement to the press addressing the incident:
“This unfortunate event deeply saddens us at Six Flags. We want to remind all patrons that all guests, even 100-meter-tall ones who destroy roller coasters, must have a ticket to enter the park.”
Many park-goers are now calling for Jesus to be banned from Six Flags, citing his destructive behavior and his disregard for the safety of the park’s patrons. But it’s unclear why Jesus has such a vendetta against roller coasters. Some speculate that he may have had a traumatic experience with one in the past, while others believe he may have a general dislike for them.
According to sources close to Jesus, he has been quoted as saying that roller coasters “defy the laws of nature and are a blasphemy against God’s creations” and that his mission is to rid the earth of these “abominations.” He also believes that rollercoasters are dangerous and that people should not risk their lives by riding them.
This incident raises questions about security measures at theme parks and how they handle situations involving giant, destructive individuals. Six Flags has yet to release an official statement on how they plan to prevent similar incidents from happening in the future.
Meanwhile, the Thunderbolt rollercoaster remains closed, and Six Flags offers refunds to all patrons who had planned to ride it. The park has also set up a hotline for those who may have been traumatized by the attack and need counseling.
