Local Farmer/Band Leader Chooses FedEx for All His Shipping Needs

FedEx sticks to its mission of shipping your stuff and staying out of your business.
FedEx sticks to its mission of shipping your stuff and staying out of your business.

North San Juan, CA /Alleghany, CA — Local business man, band leader and seasonal farmer Moonash knows how to choose a shipping provider for all his cross-state shipping needs.

“Yeah, I use FedEx because there’s a nice lady who works there,” said Moonash outside the Grass Valley Federal Express office on Wednesday in his aquamarine Gran Torino. “The don’t give me no trouble with all my small, double-sealed packages. Coffee, you know, brah?”

Along with local harvests, FedEx is also famous for delivery of drugs from “online” pharmacies, which has drawn the attention of a San Francisco, CA Federal Grand Jury who alleged that the shipping giant “knowingly and intentionally conspired to distribute controlled substances and prescription drugs, including Phendimetrazine (Schedule III); Ambien, Phentermine, Diazepam, and Alprazolam (Schedule IV), to customers who had no legitimate medical need for them based on invalid prescriptions issued by doctors who were acting outside the usual course of professional practice.” FedEx responded, which explains the shipping company’s local popularity, by saying that it would violate personal rights of customers to deny service and that “We are a transportation company — we are not law enforcement.”

It is unclear at the time of this writing if the Grand Jury indictment will impact local shipping customers. However The Fazzler spoke with a few citizens in Grass Valley for comment.

“We are seconds away from legalized marijuana for recreational use here in California,” said Chip Day out in front of the popular frozen yogurt shop Culture Shock. “All this anti-marijuana bullshit was started by old-farts in this county and a few idiots playing out their Dukes of Hazard fantasies. It’s overreaching and a colossal waste of money and resources we don’t have. I suppose it’s easier to go after a pot farmer and the shipping company rather than reform the massive Medical Pharma industry? Welcome to ass-backwards America.”

As for Moonash, he seems un-phased by all the FedEx issues and he says he’ll continue to ship his “coffee” to lucrative domestic markets.

“I’m just a band leader, brah. You know?” Continued Moonash. “It’s gonna be a primo year. When you think about it, trains and planes are like lying down elevators, you know? [Editor’s note: there was a 34 second silent pause in the conversation as Moonash stared at the FedEx truck] Whoa. Bogina has a few gigs coming up. We even have one in Chico at Empire Coffee. It’s all good man.”

Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Randall 'fink' Finkelsteinhttps://www.broadstreetbeacon.com
Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue and seldom loses. Mostly because he’s well informed. And somewhat gassy.

More from author


Related posts


Latest posts

Tim Hortons Installs Canadian Space Arm at Ottawa Location

Tim Hortons has unveiled a surprising new addition to its flagship Ottawa location: the Canadarm. Known for its crucial roles on the Space Shuttle and International Space Station, this iconic piece of Canadian engineering will now be serving coffee and donuts to delighted patrons. Dubbed the "Timbitsarm," this futuristic barista promises to bring a touch of zero-gravity magic to the everyday coffee experience, making morning routines in Ottawa more extraordinary than ever.

Louisiana Teacher Under Fire for Posting 10 Commandments in Pig Latin

History teacher Bernie Carver stirred controversy by displaying the Ten Commandments in Pig Latin, provoking ire from conservative parents. Earl "Big Earl" LeJeune fumed, "This is part of a larger conspiracy. Next, they'll be speaking French! And you know what they say about French – it's the language of the devil!"