Ron Desantis Signs Bill to Store Nuclear Waste at Disney World

Tallahassee, FL — Governor Ron DeSantis signed the “Magic Kingdom Meltdown Act” into law on Tuesday, allowing for storing nuclear waste within the Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando. Despite opposition from environmentalists and Disney executives, DeSantis assured the public that the move would be safe and would “add a little extra glow” to the park’s already magical atmosphere.

“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – we need to find innovative solutions for our state’s problems,” DeSantis declared during the bill signing ceremony. “What better way to combine nuclear waste storage with the magic of Disney than by bringing the two together? Plus, with Disney characters like Goofy leading the charge, we’re confident that our nuclear waste will be handled with the utmost care.”

Goofy Takes the Wheel: A Magical Mishap

As part of the new initiative, the beloved Disney character Goofy has been appointed as the head of the Radioactive Barrel Brigade, a team of cartoon characters responsible for safely transporting and storing nuclear waste within the park. However, initial attempts to move the hazardous material have already proven to be a comedy of errors.

On Wednesday morning, Goofy, donning a brand-new hazmat suit featuring his signature green hat, hopped into a forklift to transport the first shipment of nuclear waste barrels to their designated storage location within the park. Unfortunately, Goofy’s signature clumsiness was on full display as he accidentally knocked over several barrels, causing a minor radioactive spill near Cinderella Castle.

“I’m not gonna lie – I’m a little worried about how this is going to work out,” said Minnie Mouse, who witnessed the incident from a safe distance. “Goofy’s a great guy, but he’s not exactly known for his grace or coordination. When I heard he’d be in charge of something as dangerous as nuclear waste, I couldn’t help but think, ‘Gawrsh, this might not end well.'”

DeSantis Downplays Danger, Touts ‘Radioactive Attractions’

Despite the early mishaps, DeSantis remains confident that the plan to store nuclear waste at Disney World is a winning strategy. In fact, he believes that the radioactive materials could become a unique selling point for the park, attracting visitors with the promise of an “exciting, radioactive glow.”

“Imagine riding Space Mountain while surrounded by the ambient glow of nuclear waste,” DeSantis mused during a press conference. “It’s like a built-in nightlight for the park! And just think about how this could revolutionize our fireworks shows – we’re talking real nuclear explosions in the sky!”

When pressed about potential dangers to park visitors, DeSantis brushed off concerns, insisting that Disney World would remain a safe and family-friendly destination.

“We’ve done our research, and we’re confident that the nuclear waste can be safely stored within the park without posing a significant risk to our guests,” DeSantis said. “As long as people don’t touch anything, breathe too deeply, or stay in the park for more than a few hours, they’ll be just fine.”

Critics Denounce ‘Reckless’ Decision

Despite DeSantis’ assurances, critics have quickly condemned the decision to store nuclear waste at Disney World, calling it reckless and dangerous. Environmental groups have expressed concerns about the potential for radioactive contamination of the surrounding area, while Disney executives have voiced their strong opposition to the plan.

“We’ve spent decades building Disney World as a safe and magical place for families to make lasting memories,” said a Disney spokesperson. “The idea of storing nuclear waste within the park not only poses a significant risk to our guests and employees but also threatens to tarnish the very essence of what makes Disney special.”

Disney Characters Raise Concerns About Safety

The characters themselves have also raised concerns about their safety in the face of the new nuclear waste storage plan. Speaking on behalf of the Disney character community, Mickey Mouse questioned the wisdom of putting animated characters in charge of such a dangerous task.

“Look, we’re all for bringing magic and fun to the park, but this seems like a whole different level of risk,” said Mickey, adjusting his oversized gloves. “I mean, just the other day, Goofy accidentally dropped a barrel of nuclear waste into the waters of It’s a Small World. Now the animatronic children glow in the dark and sing in a strange, otherworldly language. Is this really what we want for Disney World?”

Despite the growing backlash, Governor DeSantis shows no signs of backing down from his controversial plan. In fact, he hinted at further integrating nuclear waste into the park’s attractions, suggesting the potential for a new “Radioactive River Rapids” ride or a “Nuclear-Powered Tea Party” experience.

As Disney World prepares to become the world’s first radioactive theme park, one thing is certain: visitors will need to pack more than sunscreen and Mickey ears for their magical vacation.

Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue and seldom loses. Mostly because he’s well informed. And somewhat gassy.

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