Louisville, KY — Following the tragic death of Beonna Taylor in her Louisville, Kentucky apartment, Attorney General Daniel Cameron announced that the State had retroactively enacted a new “Knock-and-Murder” search warrant policy. The goal, according to the AG, was to clarify both past and future orders.
“There has been a lot of confusion sowed by the media and outsiders in this case,” said Mr. Cameron in an early morning press conference. “Although the metro officers in this tragic Beonna Taylor case did receive a no-knock warrant, they were told to knock and loudly identify themselves as the police, as to give the suspects plenty of time to prepare for their entry.”
Controversy erupted when several inconsistencies in the State’s claims arose, notably that 12 of the 13 witnesses said that the police did not identify themselves for a warrant that they were not supposed to identify themselves.
AG Cameron claimed that even though it was a no-knock warrant, it was standard protocol for police to identify themselves.
“We hope these new guidelines clears things up for these meddling outsiders, the media, and of course, our communities,” continued Cameron growing increasingly nervous. “In the future, the metro police can just open fire into apartment complexes if they suspect they should shoot somebody. We think this lifts the veil of ambiguity for all parties.”
When reached for comment, New York City’s superhero Homelander had more sobering and practical advice.
“Well, these kinds of casualties happen all the time in the course of fighting crime and terrorism,” said Homelander flexing his chest and adjusting his crotch. “So, it looks like Kentucky could take a page from Vought-American and simply pay survivors for these deaths. Freedom, as I like to say, isn’t free.”
The Restore Faith and Pride in Kentucky Police of 1952 and 2020 order was issued last night and took effect immediately. Cameron suggests that people of color simply hide under their beds when returning home to avoid any unnecessary deaths and costs to the state.
