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Stupidville, USA — Various media sources have instructed other media outlets not to trust the media over the past week. The breaking news stories about media integrity, typically delivered from mainstream and alternative media channels, told the public that news consumers should not trust other media outlets.

“It’s much like how everyone hates Congress, but they keep electing the same people every year,” said Professor James Badwater of the University of Chicago’s Badwater Institute of Public Policy and Hygiene. “It’s become so ‘meta’ that no one knows who or what to trust. That is, except for their favorite media companies, who are busy telling them not to trust other media outlets. Marshal McLuhan could have never imagined such a Gordian knot. Are we done here? Because I just confused myself.”

As tempers have flared over the past few weeks, many cable news companies have run out of things to talk about. And due to the absence of natural disasters, mass shootings, or celebrity divorces, many newsrooms can’t continue broadcasting the same-old, time-tested tropes.

“So they just start attacking each other,” continued Professor Badwater. “Fox News attacks CNN. CNN attacks Fox [News]. Everyone attacks MSNBC, claiming they’re the victims of coordinated attacks from Fox and CNN. Which they are, of course. And even on a few occasions, we’ve seen Fox News attack itself to boost its ratings, which I admit is even weird by these standards.”

“Alternative” media outlets such as ZeroHedge.com, Democracy Now!, The Young Turks and Instapundit.com and personalities such as Chris Hedges, Ben Shapiro, and a few others have told their followers not to trust anyone, presumably even themselves or alternative media. However, that’s not clear as of this writing.

This has left many in a state of continual doubt and anxiety. But not everyone.

Anxiety and Relief

“Boy, since I gave up watching four different cable networks and scrolling through every Google News article, I have to say my life has improved quite a bit,” said Pauline Mendoza of Harrisville, New York. “It’s funny, I guess, how these news companies try to get you upset about things that have no impact on your life whatsoever. It’s not that I’m apathetic. It’s just that I can’t fix everything wrong in the world.”

When asked for comment, Fox News blamed CNN for never getting it right, and CNN called Fox News a part of ‘the media-run state” complex. MSNBC said the entire topic resulted from Russian interference in the United States’ internal affairs.

Amy Goodman of Democracy Now! Stated that it all boiled down to the United States’ meddling in Central America over the past 70 years. And Ben Shapiro of The Daily Wire stated that all conservative voices, except his, have been silenced by “a liberal tyranny” to control discourse, whatever that means.

Despite these recent revelations, Americans will continue watching the news and media channels that confirm what they already believe.