Study: Minecraft Causes Autism

A 2 year study has demonstrated a causal link between Minecraft game-playing and autism.
A 2 year study has demonstrated a causal link between Minecraft game-playing and autism.

Palo Alto, CA — A 2 year study conducted by the Palo Alto, CA-based Rundex Family Foundation and sponsored by the conservative Family Research Council (FRC) has determined that the popular childhood game Minecraft might cause Autism. The data, collected from over 7000 children ages 6 to 17, and a few adults with maturity levels of a 14-year-old, suggests that as little as 30 minutes of Minecraft playtime per day can lead to Autism.

“Well, here is the data,” said Rundex lead researcher Robert Colvin pointing to a folder containing the study’s findings. “It doesn’t lie. We found that playing Minecraft even for short times causes Autism-like behaviors like communication issues, emotional regulation troubles, avoiding eye contact and several other symptoms consistent with Autism Spectrum Disorders.”

Some critics of the study called it a waste of resources and that research should be focused on the “true” causes of autism: vaccines.

“Look,” said community activist Saihra Ruman. “Vaccines are the number one cause of autism. There’s mercury in them and other poisons like formaldehyde that people are injecting into their children. It’s basically murder. And while I don’t agree with all this video game stuff, the real enemy is Big Pharma and their agenda to kill us.”

According to Jess Saberthorpe of the National Institutes of Health, we should be careful about linking autism to any causal factors.

“There have been no studies showing any link from playing video games to autism,” said Ms. Saberthorpe in a The Fazzler telephone interview. “It’s crazy and I’d suggest we examine the sponsors of that Rundex study. As for the vaccine-autism link, that’s simply not true. The kind of mercury in vaccines is ethyl mercury (C2H5Hg+) not the elemental mercury(Hg). It’s like the difference between sodium and sodium chloride: one kills you, the other makes your salmon taste less like old people food. Oh, and there’s more naturally occurring formaldehyde in a pear than in 15 vaccinations. I suggest people take an intro to chemistry class.”

As for Rundex and the Family Research Council, they’re standing by their study as being a definitive driver of Autism, and an active promoter of “anti-family” values.

“It’s clear that a game like Minecraft promotes alternative, non-American lifestyle choices,” said FRC President Tony Perkins in a prepared statement. “It’s got socialism and disobedience written all over it. And we know why. And that ‘why’ is Autism. We recommend replacing the Bible with Minecraft.”

Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue and seldom loses. Mostly because he’s well informed. And somewhat gassy.

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