Mohawk Dog Rescued From Evil Tasteless Owner

Nevada City, CA — The Nevada County Sheriff’s Office announced the arrest of the fugitive Sam Burgen, accused of animal abuse by an anonymous caller after a photo of his dog appeared on Facebook.

The suspect is accused of giving his dog the most ridiculous haircut ever.

“Nevada County can sleep easy tonight,” declared Deputy Cal Sherman at a press conference held this morning. “The suspect has been apprehended, and his victim is currently recovering in foster care until some mesh shirt can be custom made for him.”

When questioned, the suspect made the following statement.

“It’s 100 degrees out there, and we live in California-he’s not a snow dog. I was trying to keep him cool! Do I seriously need a lawyer? Who are you people, the haircut police?”

The victim was found cowering behind an old shed off of Highway 49, clearly humiliated by what can only be described as a canine mohawk. Assuming the animal was lost, local woman Jade Perkipsi posted a photo of the dog on Facebook.

“I figured it would be straightforward to find the owner with such a distinctive hairdo. It’s scorching out right now I’m about ready to shave! I had no idea that you shouldn’t shave dogs when it’s hot-I wasn’t expecting the reaction.”

The reaction was one of outrage with several online community members furious that someone would do something so brutal to such a majestic creature.

“That owner should never get that dog back, that haircut is AWFUL!” Said one poster on the popular Nevada County Peeps Facebook group. “That is animal abuse. I have never seen such an idiotic thing in my life.” Another stated, “might as well have left him in a hot car. It’s the same thing.”

The owner, who had been posting tearful “Lost” signs and online posts, was reunited with his best friend only to find out that the police had received a tip that he was abusing the dog, and there was a warrant out for his arrest.

“Well, in some climates there is concern about shaving the undercoat of a dog like this, but that’s not applicable here,” said Carol Harrold, a vet at the recently opened Canine-Bus animal clinic in the Glenbrook Basin. “He technically did the dog a favor-a decision I’m sure he made out of love. Unfortunately, there’s no excuse to make your pet look THAT stupid. I applaud the Samaritan who contacted authorities, despite there being no real law against making your dog look idiotic.”

Sam Burgen will be arraigned on Thursday on unspecified charges.

Violet Matenapolis
Violet Matenapolis
Born Alma Greenwalt in Modesto, California Violet Matenapolis changed her first name after leaving home at the age of 17 to make her debut in Hollywood as a dancer. She fell into journalism by accident when her first husband, newspaper mogul Victor Matenapolis, discovered her scathing review of a play she had auditioned for scribbled on the back of a grocery list and put her to work. 5 years into their marriage, Victor was tragically killed in a freak accident while cleaning the tank of their beloved python, Stella. Her finger relentlessly on the pulse of what's hot in popular culture, Ms. Matenapolis spends the majority of her time hunched in the corner of any drinking establishment that offers "signature cocktails", feverishly hunting down stories from the darker recesses of the internet.

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