Locals and Flatlanders Face Off in a Competition for Shittiest Drivers

Nevada County, CA — In another terse “locals” against “transplants” debate, the Nevada County Facebook community pages have been heating up over which faction is doing all of the shitty driving in the area, and now the online fracas has spilled into the streets.

Members of both sides faced off this Thursday in the Kmart parking lot off of highway 49-arguably one of the most dangerous stretches of road in the area-after an accident sparked outrage in several locals who had not witnessed the crash in any way but swiftly cited speed as the cause, and flatlanders as the culprits.

“Go back to where you came from, and learn how to drive!” bellowed one female resident, breathing heavily and hiking up her sweat pants. “Don’t Bay Area Nevada County!”

A well-coiffed but bored-looking middle-aged gentleman retorted, “Why do people assume that if you drive fast, you don’t live here or are a transplant? Nevada County has just about the worst drivers I have ever witnessed…and what in the hell is a ‘Flatlander”? I’m from San Francisco, idiots.”

Penn Valley resident Scott Wynott was a bit more equitable.

“It’s true that you don’t know who are the cousin Jacks and cousin Janes compared to the transplants, but it certainly isn’t a quiet drive in the country coming up 49, especially. To be honest it could very well BE the flatlanders that are causing the major grief.”

The popular Facebook Group Nevada County Vents is a place to make new friends
The popular Facebook Group Nevada County Vents is a place to make new friends

The location of several accidents, this particular highway represents some of the shittiest driving in the county, a problem not everyone attributes to new residents. North San Juan local Merrilee Longshoes blew out questionable smoke of some sort before commenting, “I always figure if they’re going tooo sloooow its flatlanders or Anandites.”

The main issue centers around speeding and tailgating.

“I thought you WERE supposed to pass on the right so you can get around the people driving slower than the right lane. My bad!” laughed Bridget Doggins, long time commuter from Grass Valley.

When asked to respond to Ms. Longshoes assertion, recent Vacaville transplant Tommy Empire just mumbled “…I can’t even,” and continued to live tweet the face-off.

While no agreement on who was to blame for the shittiest driving was reached, other suspects were assessed by the crowd, included women drivers, old people, males in their 20s sporting soul patches and driving big trucks, muddy trucks, and “total dicks” who need to share the road.

Violet Matenapolis
Violet Matenapolishttps://www.facebook.com/violet.matenapolis
Born Alma Greenwalt in Modesto, California Violet Matenapolis changed her first name after leaving home at the age of 17 to make her debut in Hollywood as a dancer. She fell into journalism by accident when her first husband, newspaper mogul Victor Matenapolis, discovered her scathing review of a play she had auditioned for scribbled on the back of a grocery list and put her to work. 5 years into their marriage, Victor was tragically killed in a freak accident while cleaning the tank of their beloved python, Stella. Her finger relentlessly on the pulse of what's hot in popular culture, Ms. Matenapolis spends the majority of her time hunched in the corner of any drinking establishment that offers "signature cocktails", feverishly hunting down stories from the darker recesses of the internet.

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