Monsanto Patents Potential Cancer-killing Cannabis Strains

The Monsanto Corporation claims it has patented a cancer-curing strain of medical marijuana.
The Monsanto Corporation claims it has patented a cancer-curing strain of medical marijuana. Source: Monsanto medical sample.

Creve Coeur, MS — Monsanto, the world’s largest supplier of genetically modified seeds and other genetically modified organisms announced this week at its annual stockholders meeting that it had developed a strain of medical marijuana that seems to stop and in some cases reverse some forms of cancer. The largely cannabidiol (CBD) strain has shown efficacy in some forms of pancreatic, lung and even some variants of reproductive cancers.

“Although we tend not to give forward-looking statements,” said Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant during his stockholder keynote speech, “we think the world needs to hear this. After 2 years of research in our Washington and Colorado research centers, we’ve managed to isolate the DNA and RNA molecules in certain indica cannabis strains that seem to combat cancer cells. [the crowd erupted in applause.] With our patented manufacturing methods, coupled with the large growing opportunities in California after the election, there is literally unlimited growth in our bottom line. We are pleased to announce imagine®; the world’s first medical cannabis cancer treatment.”

For decades people have looked for cures to cancer, with many resorting to alternative “natural” treatments like the controversial Gerston Therapy, large vitamin C doses, essential oil balms and more recently, certain strains of medical marijuana. However the latter suffered from a lack of controlled dosage conditions and proper research and development budgets.

As Monsanto entered the medical marijuana market following the legalization of the plant in Colorado and Washington, they looked to capitalize on what executives claimed was the “inevitable legalization of the drug” according to a 2013 investor prospectus. The biotechnology giant immediately opened research labs in the respective legal states, and set its eyes on mass production earlier this year as California’s Proposition 64 (Marijuana Legalization Initiative) looked as though it would pass on November 8th.

“We are extremely excited with the grow operations we will be able to implement in California,” continued Mr. Grant. “With our research excellence and our patented seed technology, we can have an economy of scale never seen in this growing sector. We have the potential to really change life on Earth.”

However not everyone is thrilled about Monsanto’s latest discovery.

“Look, I’m a small grower of medicine,” said marijuana grower Thomas Kevlin of North San Juan, CA. “It’s a craft that will be totally lost if big agriculture gets in here. I mean, I’m toast as are hundreds of other growers around here. The prices will plummet, and everyone will be cured of cancer. That’s something we can’t see. I’ll have to go work for my asshole bother in law in Tracy [California] making cardboard boxes. I don’t want to give what I have here up to some big corporation.”

According to Monsanto communications director Bethany Millbright, assuming Proposition 64 passes on November 8th, the company plans on stocking California distributors with imagine® seeds by late Winter 2017.

Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue and seldom loses. Mostly because he’s well informed. And somewhat gassy.

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