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Portland, OR — A group of Portland left-wing activists have called for the imprisonment of all Libertarians. Students for Social Action and Justice or the SSAJ, announced their proposal during an outdoor downtown event this past Saturday. When asked what their motivation for such a brazen demand, SSAJ leader Constance Millbright said they were doing it “just for fun.”

“Sometimes you just have to kick the apple cart over just to see where the fucking apples are going to go. Sometimes you have to kick them over to feed the poor,” said Ms. Millbright over a bullhorn addressing the crowd of over 400. “And you know what would give me great satisfaction? Throwing those asshole Libertarians in jail. They’re all a bunch of man-boy looking, selfish morons. And besides, it would be really fun.”

SSAJ made it clear that they were not ANIFA, saying that they share many of the agenda items with the radical left organization of anarchists, the SSAJ was primarily focused on social justice and establishing socialism in the United States.


Area Libertarians sounded the alarm following the announcement, saying that this is a typical tactic by “the authoritarian socialist left” to use “violence to get what they want.”

“Look, you’ve seen this pattern all throughout the 20th Century,” said Portland Libertarians founder and chief spokesperson Dan Grisserly. “They stir up discontent with talk about the poor and the disenfranchised, etc. And the next thing you know, they’re breaking down your doors, taking your women and making you watch PBS.”

For their part, the SSAJ says it has no plans to really imprison Libertarians, but rather they just want to “get under their incredibly thin skin.” That seems to have been a success.

“Oh those whiny bitches,” continued Constance stomping her foot. “It’s just so fun to fuck with them. They can’t take a joke and think their shit doesn’t stink. Next time you see one [a Libertarian], be sure to tell them about our jail plans.”

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Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.