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Rocklin, CA — After almost 40 years of condemning and defunding public education, a group of affluent Rocklin, California Republicans are pushing to re-open what they once considered godless, socialist indoctrination camps, or as most people refer to them, public schools.

“We can’t sit idly by and let ANTIFA and the BLM crowd keep us for our god-given right to put our children in school,” said Freedom Angels founder and podiatrist Kent McDonna speaking to a small crowd at the Gated Rocklin Community Center. “We can’t let the cure be worse than the disease. Sure, some people will die, but we need to get our children back into school so my wife can get back to what she loves: shopping.”

For decades now, Republicans have attacked teachers and the school curriculum, claiming that both are mechanisms of anti-American, socialist indoctrination bent on creating more Democrats. Or some other stupid magical thinking nonsense.

And since the COVID-19 pandemic, conservative Republicans suddenly are interested in the mental and social health of children, a worry previously confined to those of a more liberal/progressive persuasion.

“There is nothing more important to the United States than educating our children. This should be an urgent, top priority. Most children get their mental and social services through our schools,” continued Dr. McDonna, who has spent the last two decades advocating for cuts in government spending on school programs such as special education and mental health.

And although it is true that schools are an essential part of childhood development and learning, that has never been a priority for the Republican party until a national crisis impacted their power hold on government.

“Well, it’s obvious what’s going on here,” said Professor James Badwater of the University of Chicago’s Bad Water Institute for Public Policy and Popular Culture. “The Republicans don’t care about the health and well-being of children; they just want their babysitting services back so they can focus on making money.”

Many conservative parents, who are neither trained teachers nor child development experts, have raised concerns about the quality of remote learning. To that, Professor Badwater claims that they’ve already given up.”

“And you’ll also hear Republicans complaining about the quality of distance education, but the fact of the matter is, they have no idea how to deal with their spoiled, misbehaved children. In a nutshell, they have no idea what they’re doing, and they want that to be someone else’s problem. Just like all of their policies.”

As for Dr. McDonna, he increasingly, and ironically, worried about what he calls “the lazy socialist agenda.”

“Look, we can’t allow the socialists to take over our country. They’re godless communists. We need to get back to work, and our kids need to get back to school. This country can’t take any more of this socialist bullcrap.”