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North Pole — Coronavirus has ravaged its way across the world and destroyed hope in 2020. It seems hope has taken another hit as Santa Claus has tested positive for the virus and is in the North Pole’s Pfizer Hospital in the Intensive Care Unit.

Due to Santa’s terrible diet of sugar, fats, and Type 1 and 2 diabetes, doctors have said that his prognosis is 50/50 and fluctuating daily.

“Of course, we’re very concerned about Santa’s condition,” said Dr. Bernard, Santa’s chief Elf who doubles as his physician. “But given his diet and sedentary lifestyle, he’s at high risk for complications. And he’s Santa. He insisted that his supplemental oxygen have a candy-cane flavor.”

Over 245,000 elves work under Santa at the North Pole, over 10% of their workforce has become infected with the virus. It is currently unclear whether Christmas can be salvaged.

“With this many elves out, we have to double up on shifts,” said North Pole logistics chief elf Sugarplum Mary. “We think we can deliver, but as long as the big guy is out, the entire operation is at risk.”

Twinkle Star, an elf who’s currently on probation due to “inappropriate behavior,”  spoke to us about the North Pole state of affairs.

“If Santa hadn’t gone to the Candy Cane every weekend, this never would have happened!” The Candy Cane is a local strip club at the Pole. “He and those damn reindeer spread the virus all over our village!”

According to Dr. Bernard, children should not worry about Santa’s condition as he believes Old Saint Nick will make a full recovery.

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Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.