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Gilman Hot Springs, CA — According to Scientology insiders, controversial Canadian performance artist and occasional clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson are close to inking a deal with the Church. Former member Ted Blade, now an “SP” or Suppressive Person, a name given church defectors, says the Church has been trying for over three years to recruit Peterson to attract young men to Scientology.

Jordan Peterson is known for his reactionary views on religion, on transgender issues, on feminism, and for his incel and MGTOW-heavy audience. Although Peterson often makes morally questionable claims and engages in pseudoscience, his statements are notoriously incoherent, vague, jargon-laden, and ambiguous. This allows him to handwave criticism as mere misrepresentations of his babbling gibberish.

A perfect match, according to Ted Blade, for the Church of Scientology.

“Peterson is exactly that what they [the Church] needs,” said Mr. Blade nervously, looking over his shoulder. “They need these lost young men to fill their ranks, and he’s the guy to do it. It was all going smoothly until late last year when Jordan mentioned during a BBC interview that he supported–and sometimes took-anti-depressants. When Miscavige [David Miscavige, the current leader of the Church of Scientology] heard that, he flipped out and had Tom [Cruise] talk to him. If you know what I mean.”

Tom Cruise Has a Word with Dr. Peterson

Earlier this year, actor Tom Cruise did indeed pay a visit to Dr. Peterson’s Office at the University of Toronto to discuss his and the Church’s position on the use of psychiatric drugs and psychiatry in general.

“Scientology is particularly opposed to the psychiatric community and operates a front group, the Citizens Commission on Human Rights, to engage in anti-psychiatry campaigns,” continued Mr. Blade who, before his departure two months ago, was the director of counter-psyops, a team responsible to digging out the psychiatric activity within the Church.

“The Scientology practice has a great deal in common with bad psychiatry. Another front group is Narconon, a purported drug rehabilitation program. I mean, look how deceptively similar name to Narcotics Anonymous, and the support group for those living with alcoholics, Al-Anon. It’s not good. I’m not sure what kind of deal that came to Peterson, but he seemed to like it.”

The Church of Scientology said it doesn’t comment on internal matters.

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