Scientology Building Secret Vault in Graniteville, California

Graniteville, CA — The Church of Scientology has quietly announced plans to build a store vault and sprawling “Cadet Org” a few miles northeast of the small community of Graniteville, California.

According to sources close to the project, this 28-acre storage and training facility will be the church’s largest installation and will include barracks that can house over 700 “Volunteer Ministers” a.k.a Field Staff Members, or FSMs. It will also be home to new Scientology recruits called “Preclears.” The storage facility will house and protect important church artifacts and intellectual property in a 1000-foot deep bunker to preserve artifacts from damage from the upcoming Galactic Invasions or some other shit.

No one is quite sure why the church chose this site. Still, many have speculated that it was selected due to the nearby town’s name, “Graniteville,” implying that a secure underground bunker would be suitably fortified by granite.

It is no mystery, however, why the Church chose it for its “Cadet Org.” The location’s remoteness and the general privacy ethic that embodies Graniteville is a perfect environment for the warehousing of unwanted children of Sea Org parents and new “Preclears.”

As expected, requests for comments from local Graniteville citizens were not granted. The Church of Scientology denied that it is building such a facility.

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

More from author

Related posts

Advertisment

Latest posts

Tim Hortons Installs Canadian Space Arm at Ottawa Location

Tim Hortons has unveiled a surprising new addition to its flagship Ottawa location: the Canadarm. Known for its crucial roles on the Space Shuttle and International Space Station, this iconic piece of Canadian engineering will now be serving coffee and donuts to delighted patrons. Dubbed the "Timbitsarm," this futuristic barista promises to bring a touch of zero-gravity magic to the everyday coffee experience, making morning routines in Ottawa more extraordinary than ever.

Louisiana Teacher Under Fire for Posting 10 Commandments in Pig Latin

History teacher Bernie Carver stirred controversy by displaying the Ten Commandments in Pig Latin, provoking ire from conservative parents. Earl "Big Earl" LeJeune fumed, "This is part of a larger conspiracy. Next, they'll be speaking French! And you know what they say about French – it's the language of the devil!"