Hollywood, CA — The cola wars have just reached a new level of absurdity, my friends. Coca-Cola, in its never-ending quest for dominance, has hired none other than the fallen Hollywood kingpin, Harvey Weinstein, to take down its archrival, Pepsi.
The players in this sugar-fueled showdown are Coca-Cola’s Chief Marketing Officer, Cindy Aspartameson, and Pepsi’s CEO, Bob Highfructamy. These two titans of the soda industry have been locked in a battle for years, each trying to come up with more outrageous schemes to gain an edge.
But this latest move by Coca-Cola is something else entirely.
“We wanted to really shake things up in the cola wars, and who better to create a little controversy than Harvey Weinstein?” Aspartameson said on NBC’s morning show Today.
Harvey, for his part, was all too eager to take on the challenge.
“I’ve been wanting to take down Pepsi for years,” he said in a recent interview. “And now I finally have the chance.”
The advertisements Harvey is creating are said to be so inflammatory that they could cause widespread outrage and a major drop in sales for Pepsi. But Bob Highfructamy is not backing down.
“We’re not afraid of a little negative publicity,” he said in a statement. “We will continue to focus on providing the best possible products to our customers, no matter what Coca-Cola does.”
This latest development in the cola wars is the latest example of the sheer lunacy that seems to grip the world these days. I, for one, am pouring a stiff drink and watching the chaos unfold from the sidelines.
