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Cambridge, MA — Police reports out of Cambridge, Massachusetts confirm that former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan and esteemed MIT Linguist Noam Chomsky got into a violent confrontation outside of the city’s popular Middle East nightclub on Saturday night. It’s unclear how both men found themselves at the popular nightspot at the same time nor what initially started the confrontation. Still, according to police reports, both men sustained injuries after what witnesses called “an epic brawl.”

“Look, man,” said a heavily bearded 24-year-old Brookline resident Blade McCalvich. “I just came to see Arcade Fire play music, you know? And when I get there with my buds, Noam and Greenspan are getting serious in the parking lot. Chomsky had this aluminum baseball bat, and Alan kept telling him to calm down.”

Noam Chomsky is an American linguist, philosopher, cognitive scientist, historian, social critic, and political activist. Sometimes described as “the father of modern linguistics.” Ideologically, he aligns with anarcho-syndicalism and libertarian socialism. Alan Greenspan is a noted economist, Ayn Rand disciple, former head of the Federal Reserve bank, and a dick for his “easy money” policies, which led to not only the 2000 dot-com bubble but also the 2007 sub-prime mortgage crisis.

Patrons inside the Middle East said both men were talking intensely in a small booth when Mr. Chomsky abruptly stood up and started getting cross with Mr. Greenspan.

Alan Greenspan, seen here just before being transported to Mount Auburn Hospital, got into an altercation with MIT Linguist Noam Chomsky.
Alan Greenspan, seen here just before being transported to Mount Auburn Hospital, got into an altercation with MIT Linguist Noam Chomsky.

“I didn’t know who these old guys were,” commented 21-year-old Bunker Hill Community College student Barb Bold who had also come in to see Canadian indie rock band Arcade Fire. “But there they were, just sitting talking. It’s when that one guy took out a bat and started yelling about anarchy syndication or something, that the place went silent. He smashed the bat on the table and broke it into several pieces. The other guy just kept saying, ‘now slow down there, slow down.”

At that point, the bouncer threw both men out of the club, however, that’s when the confrontation escalated in the parking lot.

“Yeah, Chomsky just kept swinging that bat at Greenspan,” continued Mr. McCalvich. “And that fucker Greenspan just kept ducking. I mean, it’s not like Chomsky was a good swing or anything like that. It must have taken him 5 seconds to wind up. But that Greenspan has some moves for an old man.”

According to the police report, both men sustained injuries from the confrontation; however, Mr. Greenspan was transported to Mount Auburn Hospital via ambulance, where he was released the next day. Neither man was charged for the violent incident.