Saint Bernard Condemns ‘Morning After’ Dog Biscuit

Jackson, MS – Employing some of his most conservative rhetoric to date, Saint Bailey Bernard of Holy Southern Shepherd Church released a statement regarding the controversial ‘Morning After‘ dog biscuit.

“Christian K-9’s have a special duty to cherish life, because for us, life is a gift from God, who alone is master from beginning to end,” he wrote. “No man or man’s best friend, therefore, can assume the right to destroy innocent life.”

St. Bernard’s remarks were welcomed by the group Conservative Pet Owners of America (CPOA), who praised the church’s pro-dog life stance.

“In this day and age of mandatory spay and neuter laws, it’s refreshing to hear the church speak out against this diabolical dog biscuit,” said CPOA President Dr. Brian Griffin. “The continued assault on the religious freedom of pets and their owners needs to stop.”

The morning after biscuit mainly uses estrogens to prevent the migration and implantation of fertilized eggs in the uterus. The drugs work when administered immediately after unplanned breeding.

“Many pets get pregnant accidentally against the wishes of their owners,” said Clifford Baxter of K-9’s 4 Choice. “Finding a bitch in estrus with a male stud does not mean the two have mated. Most bitches taken to the vet for pregnancy termination are not pregnant.”

Disgraced former Bud Light pitchman, Spuds MacKenzie, says the morning after biscuit saved his hide on numerous occasions. “Oh man, I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to slip a biscuit down a bitch’s throat,” said the original party animal.

“Let’s just call it what it is,” said CPOA volunteer Beasley Bordeaux, “an abortion treat for loose mutts with no moral conscience.”

Bernard is asking his parishioners to sign “conscience clauses,” which promise to reject all forms of birth control. “The church condemns any population control methods, including the so-called morning-after biscuit,” he said.

Would you feed your dog a morning after biscuit? Sound off in the comments below.

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