Area Chipotle Worker Just in It for the Money

Auburn, CA — Area Chipotle Mexican Grill worker Denise Hancock revealed that she works at the popular Mexican food restaurant “just for the money.” The announcement, which shocked both her co-workers and the Auburn store management, was met with several minutes of silence following her admission.

“Denise is a hard worker,” said restaurant manager Derek Purcell. “So when she expressed her feelings to the team yesterday during our morning scrum meeting, I think it’s safe to say that the Chipotle-way spirit was hurt. But we’ll recover. I’m sure she was having a bad day or something like that.”

According to her co-workers, they always assumed that Denise would make Chipotle a career move, like everyone else.

“Sure, it gets over 100 degrees behind the counter during the summer, and we sometimes work these long shifts, but that’s the price of success,” said condiment station worker Tyrone Waterman lopping a dollop of sour cream onto a customer’s carnitas burrito. “I mean, look, we all know it’s hard here, but we’re working for a bigger cause, you know? I sure hope she changes her mind soon.”

Denise started working at Chipotle about eight months ago when she quit her job at the nearby Famous Footwear over what she claims were inappropriate comments from her manager at the time.

“It got real ugly over there [Famous Footwear], so I just quit,” said a rather demure Ms. Hancock, who stared down at the cash register. “I’ve taken some Sierra [Sierra Community College] classes, so I can get out of this dump. But it’s hard to be working full-time and taking a full load at school. I’m not here for anything but the paycheck. I mean, look how tedious all of this is,” Ms. Hancock said, pointing towards the assembly line. “The same four questions all day long.”

When reached for comment at their Denver, CO headquarters, the executive management had no comment, preferring to allow local managers to “run the show.”

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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