Area Man Immediately Regrets Picking Up Hitchhikers

Recent Vacaville Transplant Tommy Empire.
Recent Vacaville transplant Tommy Empire regrets picking up hitchhikers.

Nevada City, CA — Recent Vacaville transplant and painting contractor Tommy Empire of Cedar Ridge immediately regretted picking up three hitchhikers Friday afternoon at the Highway 20/49 junction just outside of Nevada City, CA. According to Mr. Empire, he was heading towards Downieville, CA to pick up a few documents from his tax man, when he spotted two individuals asking for a ride to North San Juan.

“Yeah, I was heading towards Downieville when I spotted these two attractive young women holding a sign up,” commented a somewhat irritated Mr. Empire. “The sign said ‘NSJ Ride’ so I figured ‘what the heck? It’s the neighborly thing to do.’ It was a big mistake.”

According to his wife Peggy, who was riding along in the passenger seat, as soon as Tommy pulled their Subaru over to the shoulder, a young man came running out of the bushes near Uren Street.

One of the attractive young women that Mr. Empire was fooled into picking up.
One of the attractive young women that Mr. Empire was fooled into picking up.

“I told Tommy not to pull over in the first place,” said an annoyed Mrs. Empire, “but Tommy doesn’t like to be told what to do. So when that third guy came running towards our car, I told him to drive away. But he didn’t. The young man’s name was Moonglow or Moodash or something like that. I didn’t get the names of the young women. He needed some personal hygiene care, if you know what I mean.”

After the three hitchhikers settled into the car, Mr. Empire told The Fazzler that he tried to make small talk to help break the ice.

“Well, you know, it was uncomfortable and Peggy was really angry with me,” continued Mr. Empire. “So I tried to lighten the mood with a few jokes. Here was one. ‘How can you tell a hippy has been at your house? He’s still there. What does he say when you tell him to leave? Namaste.”

Part-time store clerk and band leader Moonash of Alleghany, CA didn't understand Tommy Empire's sense of humor.
Part-time store clerk and band leader Moonash of Alleghany, CA didn’t understand Tommy Empire’s sense of humor.

According to Moonash, the male passenger who managed his way into the car, Mr. Empire’s sense of humor was condescending and it made everyone in the car uncomfortable.

“Yeah, he was like, you know, talking about some hippie who wouldn’t leave or something,” said Moonash about the car ride to the Sierra Super Stop in North San Juan. “I was like. Dude, I don’t get it. [there was a 19 second pause in the interview] But my lady friends told me to chill and be quiet. So whatever, you know brah?”

According to the Empires, they dropped the three hitchhikers at the Super Stop and raced away.

“When we came back through North San Juan after getting our tax papers in Downieville,” continued Ms. Empire, “we raced through town hoping they wouldn’t see us. Tommy wanted to stop and get an Arizona [Iced Tea] but I told him to keep driving. This time he listened to me.”

Chip Day
Chip Day
Chip Day lives on the grid, makes a reasonable income, pays both his income and property taxes and perhaps most incredibly raising kids that he sends to non-charter public schools! All that and he doesn't have a single visible tattoo, creative piercing, or membership in any of the many cranky political movements popular in Penn Valley.

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