Living

A new poll by the Palo Alto, CA-based Rundex Family Foundation reveals 9 out of 10 Trump assassins would still support him in 2024. Trump, ever unfazed, claims, "I love my assassins," and ridicules Kamala Harris for lacking the same devotion from her potential assassins. Data scientist Robert Colvin reminds us, “The data doesn’t lie."

Texas has officially banned vegan gravy. Under the Gravy Purity Act, citizens are now encouraged to report any plant-based saucery to local authorities. While the rest of the nation grapples with real problems, Texas is laser-focused on defending its traditional gravy—no tofu allowed. Get ready for the condiment cops!

Springfield, OH, is in chaos as pets mysteriously migrate to Kamala Harris's campaign headquarters. Local conspiracy theorists cry foul, claiming everything from crisis actors to pet ghosts. Meanwhile, Haitian immigrants express confusion over the absurd allegations. As ducks unionize and dogs play security, the line between political circus and animal house blurs in this fur-flying election season.

A shipment of Ozempic, the diabetes drug now popular as a weight-loss aid, was mistakenly sent to North Sudan, causing panic in wealthy nations. As the affluent scramble to recover their supply, the incident highlights the absurdity and inequity in global healthcare, where a life-saving medication is diverted for cosmetic use, leaving those in real need at risk.

As news of the rewritten anthem spread, reactions were swift and varied. Journey fans, who have been riding the emotional rollercoaster of the band’s internal drama, were quick to express their outrage.

In a packed rally, Kamala Harris announced a new tax on Labradoodles to offset the tip tax cut for service workers. The crowd enthusiastically supported the tax, annoyed by Labradoodles and their owners' perceived elitism. Trump responded with a bizarre and barely coherent rant on Truth Social. While many support the tax, some Labradoodle owners are outraged, feeling unfairly targeted.

Sanctuary Cities across the United States are threatening to house Central American asylum seekers in Trump-owned properties.

CNN, in a stroke of genius, has eased the emotional toll of nonstop civil unrest coverage by sprinkling in some good old-fashioned plane crashes. Viewers, who were teetering on the brink of despair, are now refreshed, grateful for the reminder that no matter how bad things get, at least they're not plummeting from the sky.