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Fresno, CA — A controversial plan to roll out what conservative critics call “Abortion Vans” by the women’s service organization Planned Parenthood is raising eyebrows across the country. The 2-year project, which begins in the conservative California Central Valley, calls for 14 vans to park in “strategic” areas to provide needed women’s services primarily to under-served populations like the poor.

“Given the recent development elsewhere in the United States, we need to step up and fill that gap,” said Planned Parenthood Director of Outreach Stephanie Gillstread, speaking in front of the North Fulton Street clinic in Fresno, CA. “We’re expecting an influx of what we call ‘service refugees’ from States that have limited women’s health services and, in some cases, ostensibly canceled them. This will tax our existing clinics, making these mobile outreach vans key to our continuing success.”

Planned Parenthood has always been in the crosshairs of conservatives. However, since last year, many more conservative states have tried various ways of cutting funding to the controversial woman’s services organization and attempted underhanded. Some would say disingenuous methods to undermine clinics by bypassing ridiculous government regulations.

The anti-Planned Parenthood movement reached a peak when a heavily edited and misleading video released by the conservative Center for Medical Progress falsely demonstrated Dr. Deborah Nucatola, Planned Parenthood’s senior director of medical services, advocating the selling of aborted fetus parts. Following the now-debunked video, there was a groundswell among cultural conservatives to stop all government funding of the organization.

Realizing the changing political landscape, more liberally progressive states like California have stepped up their efforts to compensate for the systematic shutdown of women’s services in more conservative states.

“There are so many misnomers about Planned Parenthood,” continued Ms. Gillstread. “Most of our services target low-income women, and only 3% of that is abortion services. Most of what we do is exams and birth control. A full 80% of it. So with these vans, we can bring services where they’re most needed.”

This move by the Golden State has only furthered the anti-Planned Parenthood resolve.

Leading the charge to “defund” Planned Parenthood is Senator Ted Cruz, who recently suggested on the campaign trail that clinics should be “carpet-bombed” to pave the way for Jesus Christ’s eventual second coming.

“I start each day on my knees,” said Senator Cruz to an enthusiastic crowd during a campaign stop at Sharon Lynne Wilson Center for the Arts in Brookfield, Wisconsin. “Any president who doesn’t begin every day on their knees isn’t fit to be commander-in-chief of this country. Any President who thinks it’s fine to fund the murder of babies will not see the glory of Jesus Christ. So I will use all the tools at my disposal to end the scourge of Planned Parenthood, including the military. Because nothing is as sacred as the unborn.”

Ms. Gillstread is concerned about Ted Cruz’s rhetoric but not about the program’s funding.

“Look, Ted Cruz can say what he wants,” continued Ms. Gillstread, “but the California people are funding us, so I’m not concerned about this hysteria. We’re here to help women, and the Republican’s war on women will not impact our operations.”

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Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.