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CERN Laboratories, Switzerland — A surprise finding yesterday confirms what scientists have long suspected, that religious wars are stupid. The scientists at CERN Laboratories, or European Organization for Nuclear Research in Switzerland, have finally isolated and studied the elusive Higgs-Boson particle, also known as the ‘God particle’. The findings of the study are startling, to say the least. This subatomic particle is believed to be the basis of all matter.

What was revealed is that there is a polarity to everything in the universe, from the microcosm up to the macrocosm.

“It really does appear that for some thing to exist, it has to have its corresponding non-existence in order to even be observed, if you will,” explains Dr. Horst Van Pflug, CERN’s in-house atomic biology specialist.

Van Pflug, who, by most accounts is a hearthrob, is 6’3″ and does actually look “exactly like David Beckham,” puts it another way.

“Let me put it another way. Seeing yourself in a mirror, for instance. The reflection is real, but you are the source. The reflection is no less real just because the real you already exists.”

The Fazzler was allowed to take a glimpse into the inner workings of all reality by following Van Pflug through the CERN Laboratory’s Large Hadron Collider (or LHC) control centre. What we learned there should stop all war. Forever.

Dr. Van Pflug continued rambling about what, to non-physicists, seemed like a bunch of metaphysical gobbledygook.

We thanked Van Pflug for his time and hustled after an important looking guy, obviously Van Pflug’s superior, to ask about yesterday’s findings, hoping for some hard facts.

“This data will bring about world peace. Capital ‘W’…and ‘P’.”

Okay. ‘World Peace’. Seriously, though, what did the study show?

“God and Allah are the same guy,” exclaimed Dr. Heinrich Heinz, Chief Director of Analytics for CERN Labs, “And, I was an atheist all my life, up until yesterday. I can’t even…[ inaudible mumbling ].”

Let me get this straight, science just proved God and Allah are the same dude?

Shaking his head in amazement and looking vaguely downward, obviously still trying to wrap his head around the whole thing, Heinz continues, “The universe has a voice, of sorts. It’s an…it’s a…almost a personality, though not in any sense we generally understand personalities. There is a force that gives us existence over the not-quite-equal, but opposite, non-existence…what we found was that there is only one God.”

Which one?

“You’re not getting it. Are you sure you are a reporter?”

Yes, I mean…

Van Pflug rejoined our crew and stood nodding as Dr. Heinz elaborated.

Heinz explained that the research done on the Higgs-Boson particle and the 30 petabytes of data per year from the LHC experiments, enough to fill about 1.2 million Blu-ray discs, or 250 years of HD video, shows that the ‘God particle’ behaves exactly as the observer expects it to. This data is then saved on over 400,000,000 Maxell cassette tapes for peer review, much like the distribution of Grateful Dead bootlegs.

The data, when reviewed, confirms the observer’s – any observer’s – expectations.

Despite a growing migraine, The Fazzler asked how this could be.

“Pentaquarks move faster than light, and even backwards in time, to create the physical reality to suit the observer’s expectations,” Van Pflug explained, “but, perhaps I should let Dr. Heinz clarify.”

Dr. Heinz clarified.

“Okay, on the subatomic level, observation creates the outcome. If you believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster, even that will be confirmed by your observation. Observation creates reality. That which is unobserved does not appear to exist at all. So, yes, God and Allah are the same guy, depending on who’s doing the observing. The good news for Christians and Muslims alike is that both religions are absolutely correct, on the physical, atomic, and subatomic level.”

Van Pflug elaborated on the implications.

“I think these findings will end all war and bring about a lasting peace on our planet.”

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