Christian “Terrorists” Jailed for Illegal Chemtrailing

Grass Valley, CA — A group of Christian chemtrailers are in deep trouble with both civil and military aviation officials for using their aircraft to spread “the divine Word of Christ.” The aircraft crew, which consisted of four individuals from the Grass Valley area, stole a chemtrail plane from the nearby Air Force base to help, in the words of team leader Esteban Smith, “to prepare the world for Christ and show the world that the government is poisoning our skies.”

According to police reports, the group of four snuck onto Beale Air Force base from the Linda entrance late Thursday night and commandeered a high-bypass turbofan jet airplane, and departed the base just before sunrise. The team then proceeded to spray Christian crosses across the Nevada County corridor. They were intercepted and escorted back to base by an F-16 and arrested. However, they remained defiant.

“This is our mission,” said Esteban Smith, the only licensed pilot on the team in a prepared statement through his lawyer. “We have proven that there is a global conspiracy to control the skies, and we spread the Word of Jesus Christ.”

Not everyone was aware that this was an active effort by a group of what is now being called “Christian terrorists.”

“Thank goodness my son showed me how to use this iPhone camera,” said Penn Valley’s Margaret Porter in a The Fazzler telephone interview. “I was driving to Raley’s to get my morning coffee with a bunch of toilet paper, and paper towels stacked high in the back seat of my Oldsmobile. I couldn’t see out the back window, so I checked my side windows when I saw the cross in the clouds. So I pulled over and took a picture. What a miracle of God it is!”

The group of Christians is scheduled to be arraigned on Monday.

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

More from author


Related posts


Latest posts

Sotheby’s To Auction Off Original Prototype of MyPillow

Sotheby’s stuns with a once-in-a-lifetime auction, offering the original MyPillow prototype—purportedly stuffed with the essence of the American dream—set to redefine luxury sleep and history, one overpriced, patriotically infused bid at a time.

McDonald’s Bids Farewell to Epstein Island’s Last Golden Arches Amid Controversial Legacy

The McDonald’s on Epstein Island has shuttered its windows for good, marking the end of what the company now refers to as a "misguided adventure in international franchising." The closure comes amidst a whirlwind of controversy and a belated corporate acknowledgment that some locations, no matter how potentially profitable, are better left un-McTouched.

Bombshell Uncovered: Hunter S. Thompson’s Lost ‘Dr. Strangelove’ Audition

A recently unearthed photograph has revealed the unimaginable: Hunter S. Thompson, king of gonzo journalism, once commandeered the captain’s seat of a B-52, not in the throes of a drug-fueled fantasy, but as a contender for the iconic role in Kubrick’s 'Dr. Strangelove.' The discovery challenges everything we thought we knew about the man who lived on the edge of American sanity.