ANTIFA Submarine Establishes Beach Head at Northern CA Mall

Eureka, CA — Hundreds of shock troopers believed to be associated with rumors of an ANTIFA submarine lurking in the waters off the Humboldt County Coast made landfall in the Bay on Tuesday morning and quietly established a beachhead at the Bayshore Mall in preparation for a planned assault starting on July 4 and continuing throughout the week.

Those reports could not be confirmed by this reporter, who went down to the scene to investigate. Still, Sheriff Billy Honsal has assured the Lost Coast Outpost he anticipates a rendezvous between the ANTIFA Marines and their infantry counterparts in the dreaded ANTIFA busses — which have been killing livestock and damaging property in the Arcata Plaza since the first week of June — unimpeded by the feckless officers of the APD.

Honsal has doubled down on his initial statements to the press, insisting that law enforcement did receive “substantiated, law enforcement reports — that said ANTIFA did have people in buses,” vowing to remain vigilant with God and Country on the line this Independence Day.

Militiamen from McKinleyville, joined by the Fortucky Irregulars, have responded with plans to confront the far-left extremists in the parking lot with the first annual (mask-free) Bayshore Mall Bacon Freedom Cook-Off Contest and Gun Show.

More than seven conservative Humboldt County activists announced they plan to attend. Organizers claim that off-duty sheriff’s deputies and college Republicans from Humboldt State will provide added security to ensure our freedoms are protected.

Local patriots have voiced growing concern about showing their faces in public over the last few weeks, citing concerns about ANTIFA hackers using facial recognition technology to track registered Republicans through traffic cameras along Eureka’s historic U.S. Highway 101 corridor — but they’ve agreed to put their fears aside long enough to start a wildfire on the city’s waterfront accidentally.

The existence of an ongoing investigation into that matter by detectives in Sheriff Honsal’s major crimes unit was confirmed Tuesday evening by an anonymous call placed to the staff of North Coast Local News staff at KAEF-TV, Eureka. However, station management immediately reported that call to the department’s internal affairs investigators.

When reached by phone for comment on his wife’s sister’s cellphone and pressed for details about where ANTIFA agitators might be hiding in Humboldt County, Honsal shouted “everywhere” before panicking.

Sheriff’s spokesperson Samantha Karges later confirmed that deputies had confirmed reports of ANTIFA “everywhere” and are sparing no expense in their investigation.

Harold Wright
Harold Wright
Harold Wright is an esteemed journalist and writer of Cosplay fiction from Meza, Arizona. He's quick-witted, and even quicker to get into bar fights. He loves to play the violin, even though he, and his neighbors admit that he's terrible at it. He has two dogs and like the travel in his camper. Look for him at various KOA Kampgrounds.

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