DeSantis Declares Florida Now Borders Mexico

Tallahassee, FL — Seeking to undo some of the controversies he stirred after transporting Venezeulian migrants from Texas to Martha’s Vineyard via Florida, Governor Ron DeSantis announced that his State now borders Mexico. The move, which thrilled his supporters and confused everyone else, created a new boundary between the sunshine state and the United State’s southern neighbor.

When AP reporter Jen Catherder asked about the apparent geography error during a press conference, the Florida Governor’s incoherent reply confused the reporting pool.

“Look,” said Mr. DeSantis, both annoyed and confused by the AP’s question, “what you in the media don’t get is the logistics required to transport migrants from Florida to Martha’s Vineyard. If I have to put a migrant in a police car, that takes two officers away from their duties in Florida. They have to drive to Texas to get them. Now that Florida is connected to Mexico, migrants can come here directly. Think about how much time that will save.”

The strange re-alignment of Florida’s border, which is peculiar and certainly not within the State’s authority to do so, comes on the heels of Mr. DeSantis’s controversial and possibly illegal human trafficking efforts to score quick points during the election seasons. Migrants flown to Martha’s Vineyard as part of his anti-liberal political stunt were given brochures falsely promising cash assistance, job placement services, and more, according to their lawyers.

DeSantis Under Fire

For his part, DeSantis said the migrants were transported voluntarily and that they knew where they were going because they signed a waiver and were given a map of Martha’s Vineyard.

“This was all above board,” continued the governor. “They had snacks and maps and a free trip. What average American gets a free trip to Martha’s Vineyard? I hope they have a good time.”

While DeSantis defended his actions in press conferences this week, some Florida Republicans have been cautious in their remarks. Senator Rick Scott sidestepped a question about whether DeSantis should have transported the migrants, instead saying Biden should do more to secure the border. Senator Marco Rubio denied knowing of the stunt and, for a second, even denied knowing the governor.

“I don’t know anything about this,” said Mr. Rubio. “I mean, I don’t even know Ron DeSantis that well. So I can’t comment at the moment.”

Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue and seldom loses. Mostly because he’s well informed. And somewhat gassy.

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